A speech given at a bar/bat mitzvah need not be hilariously funny or wildly entertaining. The speech, however, should not cure insomnia. It should hold the audience’s attention and, at least for a moment, captivate and fascinate. Sadly, many speeches fall short, leaving listeners hungry for a laugh and a meal.

Admittedly, giving a well-received speech does not mean you will be successful or happy in life. It will not turn foes into friends or elevate your social status. It will not even guarantee self-worth or satisfaction. At best, a critically-acclaimed speech might cause some people to dislike you less than they currently do.

On the flipside, delivering an awful speech can have devastating, long-lasting consequences. You might be disinvited to parties and unfriended on social media. You might be rejected by colleagues and shunned by co-congregants.

You might become a perpetual punch-line and a target of abuse. Worst of all, people might actually see you for who you really are.

To help you avoid the pitfalls of an awful speech, let’s go over a few important ground rules:

Do not begin your speech by saying “I’d like to start off with a really funny joke.” If you have to tell your audience that a joke is funny, chances are… it’s not.

Do not tell everyone how long you’ve been working on your speech. Nobody cares. Plus, if your speech is atrocious, then do you really want to highlight how long it took you to prepare such a dreadful dissertation?

Do not tell everyone how much you abhor public speaking. If you are a lousy speaker, people will figure that out for themselves rather quickly. In addition, keep in mind that however much you hate public speaking, the public might hate listening to you speak even more.

Do not speak in robotic, mind-numbing monotone. Modulate your voice and try to sound at least half human, semi-intelligent, quasi-literate and, most importantly, alive.

Do not tell your spouse that they are the “best ever.” This silly superlative is overly cliché and not 100% believable. Here’s a novel idea: be real and tell the truth. Say something like: “Honey, I love you and I’m reasonably confident that you are in the top tier of wives in our neighborhood or at least on our street.” Or try something like this: “David, I love you and I suspect that you are in the upper echelon of husbands in our community or at least among those whose first names begin with the letter D.”

Do not introduce someone by giving a speech of your own. An introduction, like a kindergartner selling candy, should be short and sweet.

Do not, under any circumstance, give a tandem or synchronized speech, i.e., two people give a single speech by switching off word by word or sentence by sentence. If not performed perfectly, it can be excruciatingly annoying and might qualify as a misdemeanor punishable by a hefty fine and community service.

Do not rely on mental telepathy. (You can try it, but don’t rely on it.)

Do not explain how you made the table assignments. Your social classifications and friendship calculations might rub people the wrong way and add salt in the wounds.

Do not discuss how much the entire affair costs. That is crass and classless and uncouth and so… while we’re on the subject… how much did it cost?

Do not read from a teleprompter or (if on shabbos) from cue cards and, if you can manage it, go completely off the cuff and from the heart. That said, have a mental outline in your head and do not veer completely off topic. Do not discuss your recent bout with gout. Do not attempt to explain your unexplainable gefilte fish addiction. Do not mention the schlock-rock band you tried to start in high school or the potential band names like “Lu and the Lavs” or “Ken & Lo.”

Do not thank everyone that you’ve ever met and please do not mimic an annoying actor giving a meandering Oscar speech that gets cut short by music. A simple omnibus “thank you” will suffice. No matter what, do not identify the people who were the least helpful or the most unsupportive. It would be pointless to do so because they probably are not paying attention to your speech anyway.

Final thought: Remember, there is no such thing as a speech that is too short, just like there is no such thing as a salary that is too high, a vacation that is too long or a sandwich that is too delicious.

By Jon Kranz