This past Thursday my wife and I returned from more than three weeks in Montreal, though we had planned to spend a week. Shortly after we got there, the sky fell in and we were faced with a medical emergency. Our handicapped daughter, Naama, was admitted to the hospital and the situation was touch and go for almost three weeks. We were with her, joined for part of the time with our other children, from early in the morning to late at night. Boruch Hashem, things turned around after two and a half weeks and she was released. But the horrendous stress that we experienced, brought to the fore, a very important truth – stress activates the emergency arousal system. We were caught in its grip for much of the three weeks. And any time we are overly aroused, our reaction to events and everyday occurrences can become extreme.
How do you react to a less serious ongoing emergency – perhaps, the loss of a job, or a terribly embarrassing position that you took in front of your friends/community, or being publicly accused by a coworker or a previously trusted friend with a very serious crime? Probably you become very defensive, reacting with rage or terror, and your dealings with even your loved ones become fraught with danger. You become difficult or impossible to deal with, and you react very strongly to innocuous things or even attempts by your spouse to be supportive. Is it any surprise, then, that often when a new couple becomes aware of a serious permanent defect in their child, things become very troubled and an inflated number of such marriages eventually end in a bitter divorce, often precipitated by the husband. What happened to the bayis neemon? What happened to the beautiful couple that everyone was kvelling over for months after the wedding? More importantly, what happened to two people who were trying to connect and care about each other? What happened is what happens to many people faced with a crisis, they are desperately looking for someone to blame. And unfortunately, the easiest ones to blame are the people close by. From there it slowly turns from difficulty to disaster. But it doesn’t have to be that way. It could be that people turn more for support to those that are nearest. It could be that in the midst of the suffering, the couple grows even closer than they would otherwise be.
That’s the way it was for my wife and I. We were children (20 and 21) when we married. We thought we knew everything about life, as do most children. When our third daughter (Naama) was born, we were hit with terrible news. When she was 7 or 8 months old the doctor suggested that maybe we should bring her to a neurologist. He told us she was spastic and retarded, and that we should place her in an institution. We refused to hear him and went from doctor to doctor always hearing pretty much the same thing. (Things have changed, and parents today are generally told that raising a handicapped child can be very challenging, but very rewarding.) And against all odds, (and almost all doctors) we raised her and loved her and saw her grow into the beautiful person she is today. And along the way our marriage grew into something more beautiful (though challenging) than it might have otherwise been.
When you are faced with terrible stress, which path do you choose? May G-d bless you and help you through the trauma, and hopefully grant you the most important thing in life – a love that, in spite of its difficulties, is pure and endless.
Please feel free to contact me regarding this (or any) topic. You can do so anonymously by writing to mordechaiglick_gmail.com .
Dr. Glick was a clinical psychologist in private practice for 35 years as well as a rabbi of Congregation Ahavast Yisroel. If you would like to submit a question, or contact him for an appointment, he can be reached at mordechaiglick_gmail.com
