Dear Dr. Maslow,
As Pesach approaches, I am concerned about how to best support my son and daughter-in-law, who are struggling with infertility. We will be celebrating the holiday in Orlando with our extended family. There will be many small children at our Seder. Sadly, they are the only ones in the whole family without children. To make matters worse, some of our family members are not as tactful as they could be when it comes to sensitive affairs.
My son hasn’t said anything about it to me, but I can tell they are both nervous. How can I make the holiday meaningful for them while not drawing undo attention to the fact they’re childless?
Sincerely,Pining for Passover
Dear Pining for Passover,
Your son and daughter-in-law are very fortunate to have someone like you looking out for them this Pesach. Holidays in general, and Pesach in particular, can be very challenging for those struggling with infertility. Add in the stress of travel, preparations and family dynamics — there is a lot to handle!
On the one hand, it is important to remember that infertility can be a very personal and sensitive issue. Your son and daughter-in-law may feel uncomfortable discussing their struggles with other family members, especially if their situation is not fully understood or appreciated. On the other hand, having a private conversation with your son and daughter-in-law before the Seder may also be helpful to check in with them and see how they are feeling. Let them know that you are there to support them in any way you can and that you understand that this may be difficult for them. Acknowledging their struggles and offering your support can help them feel more comfortable and valued during the holiday.
There may be specific ways you can help them; maybe they need a diversion so she can discreetly administer medications, or perhaps they would prefer not to sit next to the aunt who constantly badgers them about “when are you having kids?” It may be worthwhile to take aside family members who may not be as tactful before the Seder and remind them that this is a sensitive issue.
For individuals and couples struggling with infertility, attending the Seder can be an emotionally charged experience. One of the central themes of Passover is the importance of family and the passing down of traditions from generation to generation. This may be particularly difficult for them. You can try to ensure your son and daughter-in-law are seated near family who make them feel included and appreciated at the Seder. Find ways to make sure they feel their presence is valued as individuals. Give them opportunities to meaningfully participate in the elements of the Seder that are not about “so the children should ask.”
Keep in mind that Orlando is a particularly child-focused locale. It may be difficult for them to participate in family outings to the theme parks. Don’t pressure them to join in Chol Hamoed trips. If possible, give your son and daughter-in-law permission and opportunities to spend time away from the family if they’d like. They may enjoy going somewhere more “grown-up” for a day.
It is also possible that they may not want any special treatment at all. They may enjoy the time with the family, even the smallest members, and would feel uncomfortable knowing others “felt bad” for them. Follow their lead on what boundaries they may want in place, and if they would like, advocate on their behalf. Supporting your son and daughter-in-law during Passover requires sensitivity, respect and empathy. Create an atmosphere of inclusivity and sensitivity, find ways to make the holiday meaningful for them in other ways, and check in with them privately to see how they are feeling. Remember to be kind, patient and understanding and to offer support in a way that feels comfortable and appropriate for your son and daughter-in-law.
Wishing you and your family a Chag Kasher v’ Sameach.
Dr. Bat-Sheva L. Maslow, MD, MSCR, is a reproductive endocrinologist and an expert on the intersection of reproductive medicine and Jewish life. To schedule an appointment with her at Reproductive Medical Associates (RMA) of New Jersey’s Englewood or the brand-new Jersey City location, visit www.rmanetwork.com/NJ. If you are interested in inviting Dr. Maslow to speak in your community or to learn more about her educational projects, visit www.batshevamaslow.com and @blmaslowmd on Instagram.
