Editor’s Note: We hope the Dear Gabby column will enable people to share things that are on their minds that may be difficult for them to communicate with family and friends. All letters will remain anonymous. Rest assured that submissions that are inappropriate will not be printed. Feel free to send your letters to [email protected].

Dear Gabby:

My husband was recently laid off from his job. Although I work part time, money has become really tight for us. We do have some savings and for the time being, until my husband gets another job, we are able to manage with our basic expenses. My question is that I am not sure how to handle the spending of my children. We have two teenagers who go to local schools. Their friends are constantly going out for lunch or coffee. I don’t have to tell you how these small items add up significantly and they are “extras” which we certainly do not consider necessities. We do not know how to have this discussion with our children without alarming them about our financial worries.

Any advice that you can share with us would be greatly appreciated.

Worried Mom

Dear Worried Mom,

I understand that it is difficult to talk to your children about being careful with their non-essential spending. But the bigger question is how do you impose limits on their spending in general. Unless you were VERY secure financially, you would be faced with that question frequently. And, the truth is, even if you were very secure financially, (I hope) you would still impose limits in spending on your children and by your children. If you didn’t, you would be heading toward much grief and disaster. But before I attempt to answer your question, I would like to share something with you:

Parents are the source of their children’s future strength, hope and determination. In order for them to develop that, their parents must act as parents. We live in a world where parents are frequently afraid to enforce anything on their children. They ask them, “Would you like to eat your vegetables? I’ll give you ice cream afterwards.” The child almost always says, “Yuck, no way. I want my ice cream now!” And they usually get it! I am amazed at the overwhelming number of children who go through their childhoods, and frequently their later lives as well, without as much as putting a vegetable, other than potatoes (almost always in French-fried form), into their mouths. When it comes time to choose a high school, who makes the choice? It should be the parents, after carefully exploring the child’s wishes and his/her reasons. Frequently, though, it is the child making the decision after the parents, usually to no avail, try to explain why they think that school X would be better. I am not talking about discipline, spanking or yelling, I am talking about parents telling their children what they need to do or, if appropriate, first listening to their children and then deciding how things will be. This is not dictatorial, this is simply parents showing love, caring, and when appropriate, listening to and understanding their children, and then telling them what will be done, not asking them “what do you think?”

In your case, you are faced with the painful situation of not being able to provide your children with money to buy an unlimited amount of lunch, snacks, drinks, candy and whatever else “all” their friends are getting. If your children had some medical condition (such as Crohn’s) that made it dangerous to have more than a very small amount of fat, you would feel bad for them but explain that they must avoid eating some of their favorite foods. And hopefully, you would lovingly enforce it to maintain their health. You and your husband are not responsible for your pressing financial condition; don’t be embarrassed about it, but do explain to your children that you need to cut back on your spending, hopefully short term, and they need to do their share, and give them ideas of how it can be done. Explain it to them lovingly—but do explain it to them!

I hope your situation will be soon resolved.

Gabby

Gabby is a pseudonym for a PhD psychologist whom we have asked to answer several questions for Jewish Link readers. Based on interest, Gabby is open to continuing the column. Questions can be asked anonymously to [email protected].