At some time or another, in the process of parenting, most of us have heard the dreaded words: “You are a bad mommy/daddy…” or “I hate you….” from our beloved children. This is because young children, and even adolescents or emerging young adults, during transitional stages have difficulty dealing with the opposing character traits in the people close to their hearts. As a result, they engage in the act of “splitting” by casting these significant others in the alternative roles of “wicked” or “angelic,” depending on the circumstances. Thus, when we’re “good” we’re really “good,” and when we are bad we are even “worse,” with no association to the other. Therefore, we are often hurt by “how quickly they forget.” Fortunately, in the course of healthy psychic development, our children learn to integrate these opposing character traits and can see us for the good parents we are, even when meting out the discipline they require; and, sometimes, if we are lucky, our children actually recognize how much easier it would have been to say yes and thank us for having the courage to say no. This gesture of hakarat hatov, thanksgiving, for our part in serving as role models and shaping the wonderful adults they have become, turns out to be one of the most rewarding times in our role as parents. Interestingly, this same pattern, but in the reverse, shows up in the relationship between Yaakov and Yosef.
In the parshiot detailing the character development of Yosef, we see the full measure of compassion, empathy, appreciation and emunah we first observed in Avraham and Sara, as well as the potential for greatness that can result when staying on course. Indeed, Yosef was the paradigmatic role model for living in galut. Not only did he sustain his faith throughout the arduous journey that he traversed, but he also understood that the challenges he faced were directly responsible for his transformation from a pampered and favored youth, somewhat full of himself, to a national leader and true hero of the Jewish people. Yet, what distinguished him from his ancestors was his extraordinary faith in Hashem’s plan for him. Regardless of the circumstances he found himself in, his bitachon, patience and compassion never wavered; nor did he complain or question God. This was because he truly understood that the road from promises made to promises fulfilled requires perseverance and the willingness to learn from one’s mistakes. This is evident in the fact that he never blamed others for his difficult circumstances and always credited God for his achievements; moreover, it was his growth and self-awareness, including his optimism, patience and hakarat hatov, that serves to teach us about the wondrous plasticity of character we all possess; and it was the sum total of Yosef’s character development that allowed him to be shaped by his challenges rather than defined or defeated by them.
Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, in commenting on Yosef’s character development, notes that in the early references to Yosef he appears to be a passive character type, whereby the untoward events that occur to him, as well as the feelings he generates in others, are beyond his control. For example, his father “loves” and “favors” him; his brothers “hate” and “envy” him. As the story plays out, while he escapes the prospect of being killed by his brothers, he is sold into servitude several times over; and even when his life seems to turn around and he temporarily rises to a prestigious position in the house of Potiphar, this is short-lived. Once again, he appears to be a victim of fate when Potiphar’s wife is “attracted” to him, and he lands in jail as a result of her attempted seduction, which, of course, she blamed on Yosef.
Yet, I can also see Yosef’s character through a different lens; rather than one of passivity, his responses to the situations he found himself in can be viewed as an extraordinary show of faith. Instead of feeling hopeless or punished, he used each challenge as an opportunity to hone the skills he would need in order to reach the promise and plan God had in store for him. In fact, he did showed initiative, of a different sort, when he turned to his father’s image to help him “resist” the seduction; and while languishing in jail, it was his “empathic” nature that led him to notice a subtle change in the dispositions of his fellow prisoners and took the time to ask about their welfare and listen to their dreams. It was, in fact, this act of kindness, that eventually led to Pharaoh’s discovery of Yosef’s expertise as an “interpreter of dreams.” And just as Yosef always expected, when the time was right, the path to his redemption opened up, and in the words of Rabbi Sachs, Yosef’s rise from “zero to hero” arrived k’heref ayin—like the blink of an eye.
In the final reunion between Yosef and his father, it all seems to come together. In a shiur by Rabbi Yaakov Barber, referencing the insights of our Chassidic masters, he comments on the oddity of Yaakov reciting the “Shema,” a tefillah we typically associate with a time of crisis, when he should have expressed joy upon reuniting with his beloved son. Yet, in Rabbi Barber’s analysis of the text, we come to understand that the Shema actually captured the fullness of this moment. We know that Yaakov’s name was changed to Yisrael and that the two names were used interchangeably. Thus, when Yaakov recited the Shema, he was actually talking to himself and saying, “Shema Yisrael Hashem Elokeinu, Hashem Echad,” Listen, Yisrael (Yaakov): Hashem [the God of mercy] [and] Elokeinu [the God of strict justice], Echad—is one and the same God. Thus viewed, it was when Yaakov saw the faith and trust in God reflected in the persona of Yosef, he finally achieved the spiritual and psychological leap modeled by his son; he gained the certainty that everything emanates from God, our Father, and is therefore “all” for the good. Viewed from this perspective, the Shema was the perfect response to his reunion with Yosef. Given these insights, it was Yosef’s influence that allowed Yaakov to let go of his “split” view of God and integrate his traits of mercy and loving kindness with those of judgment and strict justice; he now understood that even the difficulty meted out to him in his arduous journey was dished out by the same God Who brought him the joy he was now experiencing as he reunited with his beloved son.
May Hashem bless us with the wisdom to make sense of our lives, without the challenges, and may we do so through appreciating the gifts He sends our way.
By Renee Nussbaum, PhD, PsyA
Renee Nussbaum is a practicing psychoanalyst with special training in Imago Relational Therapy. She can be reached at: [email protected].
