Years ago, I watched an interview of former NBA player Metta World Peace (formerly known as Ron Artest), where the interviewer asked him what it’s like that some people still call him Ron while others called him Metta. His response was both puzzling and humorous. “I’m just — I’m most happy that Jesus Christ did not let me lose my teeth when I was 20 years old. ‘Cause I was wondering, like, what if you kept your baby teeth until the age of 18 or 20 and then you lose ‘em? That would look pretty bad. So I just think he’s really brilliant, that you lose your teeth when you’re a baby rather than losing them when you’re like 30 or 20. That has nothing to do with your question, but that was definitely on my mind.”
A few days ago, as I sat with one of my clients, he coined a phrase that has now become part of my therapeutic vernacular. When describing various coping mechanisms he utilizes, he mentioned that they serve as his “adult pacifiers.” The phrase peaked my interest and for some reason made me think back to this wacky interview with Metta World Peace. Why is it that we don’t see adults using pacifiers? As Metta put it, is this a brilliant act of God to strike it from existence at such an early age? Why should we ever stop using pacifiers?
It’s both common practice and recommended to wean children off of pacifiers for many reasons including potential dental issues, recurring ear infections and aiding them in identifying healthier soothing mechanisms.
The reality is we all rely on pacifiers. Whether it’s an overt silicone mold that can be seen from someone’s mouth or internalized/externalized behaviors one exhibits, is a different story.
Throughout our lives, we develop various self-soothing techniques that help us in those moments of distress. However, recognizing when they are no longer serving us is often a challenge people face. They are often interwoven into our “normal” everyday lives that they become more complicated to identify.
A child’s self-soothing mechanism of sucking is designed to soothe for a specific period of time but understood to pose issues later on. Yet, our own “adult pacifiers” lag behind in our understanding of how and why they can be disruptive to our daily lives. Therapy serves as a conduit to which one can observe, identify and intervene when such “pacifiers” interfere with our lives.
I often wonder what stops someone from going to therapy. Stigma, thankfully, has diminished immensely as the topic of mental health has received well-deserved attention and importance. While costs can often be a hindrance to therapy, I’ve typically found that this isn’t the real reason people won’t go. Thankfully, there are a number of subsidized therapy clinics and righteous individuals that are willing to help sponsor costs for people in need. The number one reason, I’ve observed, when it comes to not going to therapy is … fear.
Psychotherapy by nature poses a paradox. In what is supposed to be a therapeutic process and a way for us to feel better may also require us to engage with and question what we’ve always felt or believed. We all utilize, to a certain extent, overt and covert (conscious and unconscious) behaviors to self-soothe. These behaviors have provided us with comfort and have allowed us to exist in each of our own worlds. But these “adult pacifiers” can also cause many issues in our lives, oftentimes as an attempt to separate oneself from negative emotions. The intellectualization of matters that come your way may protect you from engaging with negative emotions; however, the disconnection from emotions may cause issues in interpersonal relationships. The aggression expressed at work may protect you from being taken advantage of, while aggression expressed at home creates friction and disconnection.
Addressing these issues can be daunting, but one can’t negate that they are present, deep and multifaceted. It is the job of the therapist to help engage with these topics in a safe, steady and nonjudgmental manner.
Through therapy, you can learn to identify the source, challenge and contemplate various interpretations (regardless of who said them), and walk away with a more refined understanding of yourself.
Understanding, reflecting and refining yourself provide an invaluable experience for a person. The more you can come to know yourself — what brings you joy, what triggers you, and how you can control yourself — the more personal reward and liberation you can have access to feel.
Max Kirshblum, LSW, is working at Collaborative Minds Psychotherapy LLC. He has seasoned experience working with young adults and family units and has developed and presented multiple training programs on the topics of domestic violence and sexual abuse for clergy and community education programs. For more information about Max or to schedule an appointment with him, visit www.collaborativeminds.net/max-kirshblum.
