One area of our lives over which we have control is in our intimate relationships. We didn’t choose our parents or siblings, but we do choose the marital partner with whom we hope to spend our lives and create a family.
What happens when that doesn’t work out? When the optimism of our first days together turns sour and the man/woman of our dreams is disappointing or treats us poorly or has so many of their own problems that weren’t recognized during their courtship that they can’t invest in the relationship? The challenges of couplehood have existed since time immemorial. Even God couldn’t be sure: Better to have man and woman as one entity or better to separate them and have them struggle together to establish the boundaries and opportunities of relationship?
As the renowned couples therapist David Schnarch stated, “Marriage is a people-growing machine.” It can push you to be your best self, to find inner resources that you didn’t know you had. It can also provoke us to behave in ways that we regret and make us feel depressed and hopeless.
For the past 26 years I was involved in supervising the work of a Jewish agency devoted to helping people deal with challenges that threatened the survival of their families. I saw people with mental illness, addictions, histories of family violence and abuse; families trying to raise children with significant learning problems, emotional problems and developmental challenges. Many of these families had financial and vocational stresses.
No matter how great their difficulties were, if they were in loving and supportive relationships, they were better able to cope and create positive environments for their children to flourish. Many came in with the deck stacked against them. Their own parents and caretakers had not modeled for them what it meant to be in a nurturing, supportive relationship, one based on mutual respect. Under stress, their worst selves emerged and the practices they had seen in their families of origin returned. For example, the man whose father raged at him and his siblings found himself raging at his wife and children. The woman who was made to feel insignificant at home was triggered by her inability to control her own children.
Therapists’ work has shifted over the years to become what is now called “trauma informed.” This means that we ask, “What happened to you?” instead of “What’s wrong with you?” This perspective is critical to working with couples.
Leaving the work of the agency and going into my own practice, I am engaged in working with couples in any stage of their relationship to help them learn better strategies for repairing when things go off the rails. All relationships move through stages of harmony, disharmony, repair and return to harmony. Too often, attempts to repair have failed and the couple ends up in a chronic state of disharmony. But if the couple is motivated to invest in the hard work of change, improvements are possible.
Moshe and Miriam (not their real names) came in discouraged by their inability to connect. Miriam felt lonely in the marriage and her attempts to engage Moshe only drove him further away. Moshe’s history included a demanding mother who had caused him to develop walls for emotional protection. His withdrawal made Miriam go after him more intensely until he would lose his temper and lash out. She would be hurt and scared and ignore him, yell at the children and spend money they didn’t have on shopping sprees. She felt entitled to reward herself for putting up with his bad behavior and obtained momentary relief from her feelings of loneliness.
The work of therapy enabled them to understand the patterns of their behavior and the harm they were doing to each other and their children. They both committed to change. Miriam became better able to express her needs for closeness in ways that didn’t trigger Moshe. They learned to take “time outs” when they each needed to regroup and stay in control. Moshe was able to commit to managing his temper and found more effective ways to ask for distance. As he learned to listen empathically to Miriam, she found ways to understand his inner world, and their capacity for mutual closeness and intimacy increased.
If you are struggling, whether in a new relationship or one that has been going on for many years, in a blended family or a non-traditional one, give yourself the opportunity to see if things can get better. I am happy to meet in person or via Zoom. My office number is 201-836-0851.
