Dear Dr. Maybruch,

I hope you can help me with a dating question that is on my mind. I have been dating a girl, let’s call her Miri, for about two months. We usually have a great time together. She is vivacious, beautiful and very intelligent. I felt attracted to her immediately on our first date. Although I never dreamed of proposing to someone so soon, I told her that I would be ready to get engaged as soon as she was ready.

Last week, she traveled with me to meet her family, who live several hours away. Meeting her family was uneventful. They seemed pretty normal and friendly. What shocked me was that after we met her family and everything seemed set, she told me she carries a gene for a serious genetic disorder. When she told me this, I felt like I was punched in the stomach. It really threw me that she told this to me at the last minute, before I thought we would discuss getting engaged.

After she told me her issue, she explained that there is a genetic counselor who works with her family who we could meet together. We went together to the counselor who explained that it was advisable to only have children through in vitro fertilization since the genetic information of each embryo would be checked before implantation to ensure that each child we had would not have the genetic disorder.

I am overwhelmed with deciding what to do about this information. I feel terribly guilty when I think about what Miri has been dealing with. This must be so hard for her. Yet, I really do not want to live with this hanging over my head. I know that life is unpredictable, but I do not want to knowingly make it more difficult to have children. There will be emotional and financial stresses that I do not want to have.

I am struggling with this decision. Is it wrong to tell Miri that I do not think this will work out? I feel so bad letting her down.

Sincerely,

Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,

You have been on an emotional rollercoaster since Miri shared her genetic challenge with you. Up until then, you were enamored with Miri and looked forward to getting engaged to her. In a flash, your whole outlook changed. You do not feel ready to accept the lifelong challenges involved in having children with her. While it is emotionally challenging to break up with Miri, it sounds like right now you are leaning towards walking away.

Although it sounds like you are inclined to break up with Miri, you might want to take a step back and examine your relationship with Miri from a broader perspective. Contemplate your relationship with Miri as possibly becoming your wife and friend, as well as your partner in having a family. The two are related, but not the same. Focus on your relationship with Miri in of itself and see where that leads you. Although there will be challenges in the family perspective, is that counterbalanced by the value of you becoming a couple? You might not achieve clarity, but it is an important angle to consider.

Think about how your relationship with Miri fits into the context of your general dating experience. It can be helpful to think about these questions: How long have you been dating, in general? What are some of the things you have noticed about Miri that make her unique? To what extent have you ever met someone who had those qualities? Your answers to these questions can help give you clarity about how you want to proceed.

On the other hand, when you describe how you feel about breaking off your relationship and telling Miri that you are unable to get engaged, you mentioned that you feel “terribly guilty” and that you “feel bad” for her. You feel bad for Miri that she has to deal with a genetic issue that is beyond her control. You also feel terrible about disappointing her by breaking up. Your ability to empathize with Miri is a reflection of your true affection for her. Your concern for her also shows that you understand that dating and marriage are about creating a relationship, where you care about the needs and feelings of your partner.

Those feelings of empathy and concern are not the same as feeling guilty. Guilt implies that you are doing something wrong. If you opt to break up with Miri, you are not doing something wrong. You have the right to choose that you do not want to marry Miri.

One part of your feelings might be attributed to what is known as “survivor’s guilt.” Although it is not rational, you may feel “survivor’s guilt” because you are able to walk away from this genetic challenge and “survive it,” while Miri must continue to deal with it.

You might also be suffering from a sense of trauma. You described an exhilarating and positive relationship with Miri, to the point that you were ready to get engaged sooner than you had imagined. Having your dream crumble so fast and unexpectedly can leave you with a feeling of trauma.

In a related way, you might also be experiencing a deep sense of loss. You lost your dream of having a “carefree” life with Miri as soon as you discovered that marrying Miri would entail a challenging process of having children. This feeling of loss is real even though it does not involve losing something tangible. You might feel this loss even if you decide to marry Miri and face this challenge together. If you choose to walk away, you will face the loss of Miri, a person who up until recently you looked forward to sharing the rest of your life with.

Your feelings of loss might stem from something else, too. It is possible that you feel that you lost some of your trust in Miri because she withheld critical information from you until you were ready to propose. It sounds like you are trying not to judge Miri negatively. You recognize that Miri faces a difficult dilemma. It is possible that she might have waited to share her confidential and vulnerable information until she felt you were serious about your relationship and she sensed that she could trust you. Yet, having her disclose information that has significant ramifications for your life together relatively late in your dating somewhat damaged your trust in her.

You might find it helpful for you to speak to someone to sort through your feelings of guilt and possible sense of trauma and the different angles of loss. Speaking to someone can also help you feel stronger about making your decision and planning what to discuss with Miri. I hope you gain clarity to make the decision that is right for you.

Wishing you much success,

Chani

Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist and relationship coach, specializing in teaching emotional connection and communication skills for over two decades. She coaches individuals and couples, teaches courses on how to become a master of relationships and provides free relationship resources at chanimaybruch.com. Learn a step-by-step method to improve your ability to emotionally connect with her new online course: The RELATE Technique™—Seven Steps to Emotionally Connect Through Conversation. Reach out to her at [email protected].