Dear Dr. Chani,

One of my biggest fears in dating is that I will unwittingly recreate my parent’s marriage. It is not that my parents have a bad marriage, but I feel like their relationship is kind of formal and lukewarm. It seems to me that my mother is full of life and has a lot to say. But my father is extremely quiet and reserved. They never seem to talk together and enjoy each other’s company. After years of marriage, I think my mother has given up trying to make conversation. If they did not have my siblings and me, they probably would have nothing to talk about.

Now I am dating a man—let’s call him Steve—who reminds me of my father. He treats me really well and is very reliable. He is so accepting of me and always seems interested in what I have to say. I know that I can count on him to consistently show up on time to our dates and call when he says he will. These are all very important qualities that I do not take for granted since, surprisingly, I have not found them in many men I have dated.

Yet, I am worried because Steve does not speak a lot on our dates. Whenever I ask him questions about himself, I have not been able to get more than a few words or a sentence out of him. I would love to be able to have a two-way conversation where we can discuss topics that are meaningful and important. Yet Steve seems so reticent and closed.

I do not want to break up with him because it is so important to me that I feel that I can be myself when I am with him. Is there any way that I can draw him out to be more open and easy to talk to?

Sincerely,
Hope

Dear Hope,

It is wonderful that you appreciate the positive aspects of your relationship with Steve. Even in the face of your fear of replicating your parent’s marriage, you have been able to acknowledge the respectful and considerate way that Steve treats you. It is wise of you to recognize that you have the potential raw ingredients to create your ideal relationship. Now you need to see if you can experience the kind of conversations you wish to have with someone who could be your future husband. This way, you will be able to wholeheartedly look forward to your potential future together. Let’s explore steps you can take to draw out Steve’s ability to be more expressive.

The first step that can help Steve to become more willing to share is for you to model it for him. People are social mirrors. The more you self-disclose and reveal personal aspects about yourself, the easier it will be for Steve to follow your lead. One way to think about what to share is to ask yourself: “What does Steve already know about me? What do I want Steve to know about me?” Then, do not wait for Steve to ask you a question about a certain topic. Instead, bring up different topics that are meaningful for you that you would like Steve to know and understand about you.

You might have already spoken about some of the typical topics that people discuss on their first few dates such as their job, family, friends and interests. Yet there are many levels of conversations that you can have about each of these topics. Each time you discuss one of these topics, you can take your conversation to progressively deeper and deeper levels and share more personal aspects about that topic. For example, even if you have already spoken about what you do for a job, you may not have described the soul-searching process you went through to choose your profession. Alternatively, you may want to share your insecurities that you feel about your job or your desire to ultimately change professions. Whatever you choose to share, by opening up and allowing yourself to be real and vulnerable, you will be modeling for Steve how to do the same.

After you have shared personal experiences about yourself and some of your deep feelings, ask open-ended questions to draw out Steve. You can ask him questions about topics that are similar to what you have shared. Or you can think about, “What do I already know about Steve? What do I want to know more about Steve?” Then, craft open-ended questions about areas pertaining to Steve’s life and inner world that you would like to know more about.

Keep in mind that if Steve has been mostly quiet on dates with you until now, he is unlikely to radically transform into an emotionally expressive partner overnight. Be patient as he endeavors to answer your questions. If you notice that it is hard for him to give you a thorough response in the moment, you might try bringing up a topic with him ahead of time to give him a chance to think about it and formulate what he wants to say. For example, you might tell him on a phone call between dates, “I’d love to know more about ‘X.’ Maybe we can discuss it on our next date.”

One of the significant steps you can take to encourage Steve to be more open and communicative with you is to respond positively to what he says. Be interested in what he says and validate his point of view. Even if you do not agree, you can still say, “I understand why you feel that way.” Do not judge his answers or critique him. For example, if Steve shares that he sometimes feels like an imposter in his job and is unsure if he will be laid off in the next round, do not say, “I hope that your boss doesn’t know that you feel so insecure about your ability to do your job.” This kind of a response is critical, unsupportive and threatening. It will likely make Steve feel less willing to share his vulnerable feelings with you in the future. Instead, say something like, “I imagine that it must be challenging to feel unsure about your job and worried about your job security. Tell me more about what it’s like.” The more that Steve hears validating and encouraging responses from you, and senses that you are genuinely interested in what he has to say, the more that he will feel comfortable sharing his thoughts, feelings and past experiences.

These are initial guidelines that can help you to develop deeper and more meaningful two-way conversations with Steve. If you implement them and you do not see any significant change, seek the guidance of a professional to get a closer look at what might be holding you and Steve back from taking your conversations to a deeper level. Your belief in the potential of your relationship together with your unwavering effort can help you to reach the quality of conversations and the emotional connection that you dream about.

Wishing you much success,

Chani

*New—Get clarity about dating. Free Dating Clarity E-course. Sign up at chanimaybruch.com.

Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist who has specialized in helping people build and enhance their relationships for over two decades. If you would like to improve your relationship with yourself, your loved ones, or others in your life, reach out to her at chanimaybruch.com.