Dear Dr. Chani,

A friend of mine recently set me up with a guy—let’s call him Gavi—who I have been dating for a few weeks. I really like spending time with him and I think that it is mutual. There are tendencies that Gavi has that make me think he is on the autism spectrum. It does not bother me, but I am wondering if I should be nervous about it. What should I be aware of when it comes to people on the spectrum and relationships?

Let me describe to you what I noticed about Gavi. From the start, Gavi seemed very different from other guys I had dated—in a good way. He is always very thought-out about our conversations and listens very carefully to what I have to say. I really enjoy spending time with him. It is always very interesting and meaningful—never boring. I have heard that he is brilliant, and it definitely shows when he speaks about topics that he is passionate about. I imagine that he must be very smart because he has a lucrative career in a specialized field and he is very respected at his job. Based on what he describes, he is also well-liked by his many friends. I can tell that Gavi is a very thoughtful, kind and giving person.

One of the aspects about Gavi that made me think he is on the spectrum is that he does not usually pick up on social cues. For example, whenever I have been hungry or thirsty on a date and he asked me if we should get something, at first I would decline, and say, “I’m fine.” Most guys would have picked up on the tone of voice I had used to realize that I was just being polite but I really wanted to get something to eat. Gavi, on the other hand, assumed that I really did not want anything. After this happened a few times, I realized that I have to speak straight to Gavi if I want something or he won’t “get it.”

Another example is that he tends to get insulted by things that I say even if I am just bringing up a minor point as feedback. After he had come more than 15 minutes late to our first two dates, I mentioned to him that it would be great if he could plan ahead to meet me on time. He seemed very attacked by this and launched into a detailed defense of why he had come late both times. I would have hoped that he would have quietly accepted my feedback and tried to come on time in the future. He has made sure to come on time since then, but when he picks me up, he always looks at his watch, as if to say, “See, I came on time.” It seems like instead of putting this issue behind us, it is always in the forefront of his mind whenever he picks me up. I would mention this to him, but I get the sense that it will only make matters worse.

Also, I am a little confused about Gavi’s body language. He is a great listener, but when I am talking to him, he seems to look at me a little blankly. I can tell that he is being attentive, but his facial expressions do not match the emotions that I am sharing. For example, if I am talking about something upsetting, he listens, but he does not necessarily show that on his face. I can tell by his response that he understands how I feel, but I am sometimes taken aback by the lack of emotion that he shows while I am talking.

These issues are not enough to worry me since he has so many other extraordinary good qualities. Yet, should I be concerned that I am missing something and that things will get harder as time goes on? I would love to hear your advice on this.

Thanks for your help,

Simi

Dear Simi,

It sounds like you really appreciate Gavi and recognize his many wonderful qualities. You feel that he is intelligent, interesting and kind-hearted. At the same time, you innately sense that Gavi has certain tendencies that are associated with being on the autism spectrum. You have already felt the confusion that may come from the different ways that you and he think about things and communicate.

In a practical sense, it may not matter if Gavi is technically on the spectrum or not. The fact that you are picking up on his tendencies is enough for you to explore what it might be like to be in a relationship with someone who is on the spectrum. It can help to be aware of some of the features often typical of a person who is on the spectrum so that you can understand what to expect and how to react to Gavi.

At the same time, it is important to recognize that there are differences between people in any couple. As people, we each have a unique background, life experience and personality that contribute to the way we feel, think and act. Learning the tendencies, triggers and needs of your partner is an essential part of any relationship. Developing a healthy way of communicating about your feelings and giving feedback is also necessary in every relationship.

There is a range of behaviors that someone who is on the spectrum might exhibit. A person might exhibit only some of these behaviors or only demonstrate them sometimes. An official diagnosis might not be as important as noticing the personality traits that you both have and how you interact with each other.

One of the features that you mentioned about Gavi is that he does not seem to be aware of what you are thinking or feeling. This does not mean that Gavi is incapable of feeling empathy or that he does not care about your feelings. He may just not intuitively sense what you are feeling, even though he cares about you. As you observed, because of this tendency, it is helpful for you to be more direct in letting him know what you expect of him and giving him feedback. Do not expect him to read your mind. If you want him to do something differently, give him a recipe. Let him know specific details about what you would like him to do in the future.

When it comes to the feedback you already shared with Gavi, even though it seems like you hit a bump in your relationship dynamic and you would like to avoid future obstacles, this is something to discuss with Gavi at a future point. Meta-communicating—or communicating about how you communicate—is a helpful way for you and Gavi to gain a better understanding of each other. You might say to him, “I really appreciate that since I spoke to you about coming on time to our dates, you have made an effort to come on time. It was not easy for me to let you know how I felt, and I am wondering how you felt when I told you about it.” Listen to Gavi’s response. Depending on what he says, you may open up the conversation to the topic of how you would like one another to give and receive feedback, in general.

Some people on the autism spectrum tend to have difficulty expressing their emotions, so you may notice that Gavi does not have an easy time expressing what he is feeling. You can help him open up and share his feelings with you by asking him direct open-ended questions about how he is feeling and waiting patiently for him to explore his answer. It may take him time to process his emotions and get back to you. Do not be surprised if it takes a few conversations to fully understand his perspective.

As you observed, some people that are on the spectrum might have trouble empathizing with others, or expressing empathy. It sounds like Gavi is empathic and you appreciate that about him. At the same time, he does not use facial expressions to express his feeling of empathy. It is important to keep in mind that Gavi is probably processing what you are saying in his brain, even though he does not display it on his face. How does this affect you? Does it cause you to feel disconnected, or do you simply notice it? It can be helpful to understand Gavi’s nature in order to accept this about him and take it in stride.

You may notice that Gavi exhibits other typical tendencies as time goes on. Just because Gavi has a feature that is associated with someone on the spectrum does not mean that it will pose any problem for you. It may not matter to you or you may find that you can easily deal with it or accommodate him. One important distinction that can help you to figure out if his tendencies are concerning to you is to ask yourself, “Does this behavior affect our relationship? If so, how does it affect our relationship?” Pay close attention to behaviors that affect your relationship. These are the ones that can make it challenging to live with each other in the future. If, however, you find that you are aware of these behaviors and they are manageable, it sounds like there is a lot of potential for you to have a healthy and satisfying relationship.

Wishing you much success,

Chani

Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist who has specialized in helping people build and enhance their relationships for over two decades. If you would like to improve your relationship with yourself, your loved ones, or others in your life, reach out to her at chanimaybruch.com.