June 20, 2024
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June 20, 2024
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Linking Northern and Central NJ, Bronx, Manhattan, Westchester and CT

This week is Presidents’ Day, when we celebrate our great country in which we have all the freedoms we can want, most importantly the freedom to practice our religion until we’re perfect at it.

So I think that maybe we should celebrate by brushing up on our presidential facts. My plan is to cover one president per year until I run out of presidents or until this country hurtles into the sun, whichever comes first.

But we’re going to start with one of the only presidents most people can name, aside from Abraham Lincoln and our current president, Whatshisname:

George Washington.

—George Washington was a man of many talents—president, general, honest politician, woodcutter, and I think he built a bridge between New York and New Jersey for some reason, which—wouldn’t you believe it? Is currently for sale.

—George Washington ran for president under the slogan “Make America.”

—When George Washington was elected president, he set up the nation’s first capital in New York City, because it creeped him out to live in a place called Washington.

—Eventually, he decided to move the capital out of New York City, because of traffic. In fact, he spent so much time sitting still on the GW that they decided to name it after him.

—For a while there, in an attempt to avoid bridge traffic, he just moved to Washington Heights, after which he was somehow always on time to work. It must be something about Washington Heights.

—In George Washington’s days, there were no news broadcasts. He found out most of his news from his sheitel macher.

—Actually, George Washington did not wear a wig. He just powdered his actual hair to look like one, for some reason. Whenever he sneezed, he powdered the whole room.

—That said, George Washington was our first president who had a ponytail. Come to think of it, I could do this “first” thing a lot and fill the whole article.

—George Washington was our first president to wear pants.

—He was also our first non-Jewish president. Ever.

—George Washington was a friend of the Jews, but not all the Jews. There were some Jews he didn’t even know. Even I’m not a friend of all the Jews.

—The color of George Washington’s white horse was brown. Like his teeth.

—Although Washington was against the British, he felt that the Boston Tea Party was a juvenile act of vandalism, and that, quote, “Somebody owes somebody some tea.”

—Despite numerous requests by the British to hold more of the Revolutionary War battles closer to where they lived, Washington would not give in, on the grounds that his horse could not swim. He wouldn’t even agree to meet at a halfway point in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

—Everyone knows that George Washington crossed the Delaware, but what everyone doesn’t know is that he crossed a lot of other rivers, too. He just didn’t always stop to be painted.

—It took them three weeks to pose for that boat painting, during which several of his boatmates froze in that position.

—In the famous Delaware painting, George Washington was wearing his pants tucked into his socks because there was water at the bottom of the boat.

—Known as the father of our country, George was the first child born to Mary Ball Washington, the grandmother of our country.

—When he was six, George confessed to chopping down a cherry tree, which we have chosen to use as a story about telling lies instead of a story about letting 6-year-olds play with hatchets.

—Washington’s father died when George was 11. His cause of death is uncertain, but I would not rule out falling trees.

—Washington inherited the famous Mount Vernon Estate from his brother, Larry Washington, the weird uncle of our country.

—George Washington’s “cannot tell a lie” business would get him into a lot of shalom bayis issues, which is why he chose to spend so much time on the road.

—George Washington had a plantation in which he mainly grew wheat and tobacco. And yes, the tobacco stained his teeth, but then he’d just buy new ones.

—Over his lifetime, Washington had over 30 dogs. In case you wonder how he went through so many, the dogs’ names that we have on record are Drunkard, Taster, and Tipsy.

—Another true fact that may be related was that he made his own whiskey. George was also one of the most successful liquor salesmen of the new nation, which might explain why everyone kept electing him.

—George Washington’s dentures were not made of wood. That’s gross. They were made of his own teeth that had fallen out, some animal teeth and some human teeth that he’d paid people for. Don’t be disgusting.

—The Washington Monument looks nothing like George Washington.

—Washington died in December of 1799 when he came down with something after refusing to change out of his wet clothes. When he took ill, several doctors were brought in, and the general consensus was to try bloodletting. They let out about five pints (80 ounces) of his blood that day, but weirdly it didn’t help.

—Doctors were not the best back then. Before he died, Washington requested that he not be buried for three days after his death, just in case.

—Everybody liked George Washington as president, possibly because they had no previous presidents to compare him to. He might have also been good, but we’ll never really know.

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He has also published seven books and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].

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