I have recently been told that my columns are too much about me and not enough about my boys or anything else. Of course my columns are about me, everything is about me. It is called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. But you can no longer find this disorder in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) because it is no longer considered a disorder. Do you know why this is, oh person who told me not to write about me? It is because too many people were being diagnosed with it because almost everyone has it. If it isn’t about me, it is about you. If it isn’t about you, it is about someone else. That is the way of the world. Just to defend my personality disorder, when I am at home, no one, and I mean no one, pays any attention to me at all; unless they need something. That is my lot in life. Everyone has something and no one has everything. I use my column as an outlet; so people might think I think it is all about me, but I know the truth. OK?
What I will write about my boys is this: Football season is winding down. I have not written about it because I do not like football. I do not like it because I do not understand the game. I do know that the Minnesota Vikings were eliminated in a wild card game against the Seattle Seahawks. I don’t know why they refer to it as a “wild card.” I do know that the Carolina Panthers have had an amazing season (which I hope will end well for them because son #3 has been a fan for most of his 15 years of life and it has been a very exciting few months). I also know that the St. Louis Rams, the team of choice for son #2, are moving to Los Angeles. Apparently this is happening because even though they have a beautiful stadium, fan turnout has not been stellar. Perhaps this is because they haven’t been playing that well, but it is really none of my business. My only concern is that I will be “forced” to go on another baseball road trip that involves a football training camp. Don’t I get credit for going to Rams training camp in St. Louis? Only time will tell… OK, down to business.
As of when I am writing this, which is a little over a week before you will be reading this, the lottery is up to over a billion dollars. A billion dollars—OMG! (That stand for Oh My God for those of you older folks who haven’t yet learned the whole texting lingo thing.) My favorite fantasy, yes I know this is a family paper, don’t get nervous, is my winning the lottery fantasy. Keep in mind, I never actually buy a ticket. See, if I was really narcissistic I would think that if I bought a ticket, I would be the winner (well, that would make me both narcissistic AND delusional, not always the best combination). So even without a ticket, I still like to spend my winnings.
If I won a billion dollars, the government would take a lot of it, so I would be left with about half a billion dollars. Allow me to just say that I am not very good with numbers, so don’t give me a hard time if nothing adds up at the end. I would give half of that to various charities. Don’t put me on any boards or my name on any plaques, just take my money and spend it appropriately. So now that I have half of a half of a billion dollars, I would buy my in-laws, you heard me—I said in-laws, I am buying them one of those apartments on a cruise ship. They can live in this apartment on this ship for most of the year and go all around the world. On a ship. Isn’t that so nice of me?
My parents are getting a Rolls Royce with a driver and a really nice apartment in the city, on the condition that my mother lets me clean out her house. Yes, I am giving my mother a condition, don’t give me a hard time about that because I am also giving her that other stuff. My in-laws’ only condition is that they stay on the ship. In the middle of the ocean. I will throw in a cook for the kitchen in the apartment on the ship for good measure. I am really the best daughter-in-law.
As for me and my Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I just want a bigger dining room table so I don’t have to keep shlepping the Costco tables in from the garage (yes, I know I have a husband and three sons, no, they don’t help me with the tables, yes, I know I am a bad mom for not insisting that they help me). After the bigger dining room table, it is really all up in the air where the rest of my money will go. Especially since I have no chance of winning. Hmm, I wonder what my in-laws will get me if they win?
A dollar and a dream, kids, a dollar and a dream…
By Banji Latkin Ganchrow
Banji Ganchrow hopes the person who told her not to write about herself is narcissistic enough to know that she is writing about him.
