Relationships, whether familial, platonic or romantic in nature, are made up of many moving parts. One of the most essential of these parts is compromise. However, when two people differ in opinion about something, they may find it hard to have a positive and beneficial conversation. Often when this occurs both parties tend to lose sight of what really matters most, not only to themselves but to each other as well. The question that needs to be asked is, “Do I want to be right or do I want to make things better?”
The word compromise is defined as “an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions” or “to accept standards that are lower than is desirable.” When reaching a compromise one must not view this as saying or believing that you agree with what the other person did (or said). However, it is saying or believing that you are willing to see the position or set of circumstances from the point of view of the other person.
A long time ago this was explained to me as “The Power of Compromise.” If two people stood facing each other with the number 6 or 9 drawn on the floor between them—depending on which way they faced the number—both would have opposing views as to what they saw in front of them. The person seeing “6” would strongly defend his position and opinion that he sees the number six and likewise the party seeing “9” would state that what he sees is nine. This discussion may go around and around with neither party willing to budge. Perhaps an argument may even sprout. Tension may build and things could even become unpleasant. This happens when human nature tells us “I don’t want to be wrong,” and because neither side wants to diverge from their opinion no progress can be made. So which of these two people is right and which one is wrong?
The answer is actually quite simple. Neither is right or wrong. This is the beauty of a vantage point. When being open minded and willing to let go and accept that something can be seen another way, most everyone would agree that flipping the “6” over makes a “9” or the other way around. This is the essence of compromise. Two terms come to mind…“It is better to bend than to break” and “Let’s agree to disagree.” Remember it is not about conceding to the other that they are right and you are wrong. It is about finding a middle ground that everyone feels safe and comfortable with, one where both people can feel they have been heard and that their view is acknowledged. Compromise is nothing like perfection, but then again no one is perfect. Most importantly if we can learn to recognize that compromise is about both parties gaining and losing something, we may be able to meet halfway and have a productive conversation.
Assaf Amos is an LSW, LCADC (Licensed Clinical Alcohol and Drug Counselor). Assaf is the Director of the Giant Steps Program at Carepoint Health, Hoboken University Medical Center. He works with a wide variety of clients seeking mental health treatment and specializes in addictions counseling. If you would like to contact him, you can do so at [email protected].
