Because your fertility journey is so much more than a medical experience.

What Should I Say to My Loved One Who’s Struggling With Infertility?

Do you know someone suffering from infertility?

Chances are the answer is yes. Recent studies put the number of couples who suffer from infertility as one in eight. You may be unaware of it, or just “wondering whether…” but statistically, the odds are good that there’s somebody in your circle of friends or family who is struggling.

Infertility has the “distinction” of being an extremely private struggle that is also painfully public. Particularly in our child-centric community, it’s hard not to notice when a couple has been married several years without any children. And when that couple is someone close to you—a family member or a dear friend—then you start to wonder… should you say something? Pretend you don’t notice? And if you do reach out, what’s appropriate to say?

With such a sensitive topic, it can be frighteningly easy to say the wrong thing and wound the person you’re trying to help. But ignoring the elephant in the room and not acknowledging your loved one’s suffering can also be wounding.

Here are a few rules of thumb for what to say—and what not to say—based on my experience working with couples struggling with infertility.

Don’t:

Offer unsolicited advice. Never, ever. No matter how tempted you are to mention the new wonder vitamin you read about, or to ask whether they’ve tried a gluten-free diet, because you heard from a friend that it helped her niece… Don’t. Please realize that even though your advice is coming from a place of genuine caring, to the couple, it comes across as demeaning. Does she really think our problem has such a simple solution? Does he really imagine that we haven’t been doing our own research and consulting with experts? Believe me, if they want your advice, they’ll ask. Otherwise, refrain from offering it.

Ask follow-up questions about their medical treatments. Even if your friend or family member feels close enough to you that she tells you when she’s going in for a procedure, perhaps asking you to daven for her, you should be careful not to ask her for a specific update afterwards. You may think you’re simply showing that you care, but asking for an update—“So, how’d the procedure go?”—actually pushes her into an uncomfortable corner. Think about it; what are the possible answers? Either there’s no news yet; or the news is good, but she and her husband want to keep it private for now and you’re forcing her to give an awkward response; or the news is bad, and she’s struggling with all of her own painful emotions, and doesn’t feel like having to deal with your disappointment and pain as well.

Do:

Bring up the topic of their struggle. Sensitively. If someone close to you has already confided in you that they’re struggling with infertility, it’s okay for you to bring up the topic. If you never bring it up, your friend or family member might worry that they made you uncomfortable by mentioning the subject in the first place. Saying something like, “I can imagine this time of year must be very hard for you” or, “I’m thinking of you. I’m davening for you. I’m here for you whenever you want to talk” expresses your care in a sensitive way. And don’t worry that by bringing up the subject you’re reminding them of their pain; believe me, they live with this pain constantly. You’re not reminding them of anything.

Offer concrete help. Few people know of the incredible toll a fertility struggle takes on a couple, especially the woman. Physically, she’s undergoing invasive procedures, early-morning blood tests, nightly hormone injections and more. Mentally, she’s dealing with upended schedules, waking up at crazy hours of the morning to go for tests and sonograms, as well as lots of administrative headaches with insurance companies figuring out coverages and payments. And emotionally, she’s processing a roller-coaster of feelings: hope, fear, pain, disappointment and more. And, unlike other types of struggles, where our community is wonderful about stepping in to help the family going through a stressful period, in this case, nobody knows about it. So, if a couple has confided in you, offer them specific help. “I’m going to the grocery; can I pick something up for you?” “Can I bring over dinner tonight?”

Of course, as with anything else that relates to human beings, there’s no one-size-fits-all. Every individual is different, and while in my experience most couples find these tips helpful, it’s possible that your loved one feels differently. Don’t be afraid to ask! There’s nothing wrong with saying, “Hey, here are some tips I heard. What do you think about them?”

The most important thing is to make sure that whatever you say is coming from a place of genuine caring. That love and concern speaks louder than anything.

Shulamis Mayerfeld-Kessler, LCSW, is a licensed psychotherapist with office locations in Cedarhurst and Monsey. You can contact her at 347-415-5247 and at [email protected]. You can also find her on social media (Facebook: Shulamis Cheryl Mayerfeld, LCSW; Instagram: Shulamis_Musings).

For any questions and fertility guidance please contact PUAH at 718-336-0603 or [email protected].

By Shulamis Mayerfeld-Kessler, LCSW