As a “psychoanalyst/relationship therapist,” I have dedicated this series to discovering the transformative strategies found in the Torah and designed by Hakadosh Baruch Hu. In fact, based on the Torah truths embedded in all of the parshiot, Hashem is the Quintessential Relationship Therapist. Indeed, it was God who counseled the first couple, as well as our Patriarchs and Matriarchs. He then gifted Bnei Yisroel with the Torah, which turns out to be the “Gold-Standard Guide to Living.”
Indeed, it is no accident that due to the importance the Torah places on the manner in which man interacts with man, one of the basic tenets of Judaism is “v’ahavtah lerai’acha kamocha.” It is also for this reason that so many parshiot are devoted to the topics of marriage, parenting and overall interpersonal relationships. In studying the concluding parshiot of Shemos, Vayakhel/Pikudei, and the beginning of Vayikra, it is clear that the Torah is meant to make sure that we don’t overlook the message that “attention to details” is one of the essential elements in our relationships with God and mankind. This is because Hashem takes His role as “our Father” very seriously. As a result it hits Him at the core when our relationships with one another suffer. Yet, Torah wisdom also teaches us that while details are critical, we cannot get lost in them at the expense of seeing the big picture.
As Parshiot Vayakhel/Pikudei unfold, an analysis of the text in the stories of chait ha’egel and the Mishkan construction project reveals a host of metaphors associated with the breach in the relationship between God and Bnei Yisroel. I believe that the gravity of this sin is most strongly reflected by those who compare this breach in loyalty to a bride betraying her husband on their wedding night. Additionally, Hashem’s gifting of the Mishkan to the nation as a show of forgiveness and a vehicle for atonement, coupled with the enthusiasm with which Bnei Yisroel responded to the charge of financing the project, tempers the magnitude of that sin. I believe that every one of us has experienced the disappointment of feeling betrayed in various relationships and in variety of small or big ways. At times, these challenges are necessary in order for emotional and spiritual growth to take place; and some of us are lucky enough to see that it was indeed “for the best.”
The experience that comes to mind for me will resonate for those in my generation who grew up back in the day when dating or “going steady” as teens was acceptable in frum circles. And those who went through the dreaded experience of “being dumped” can remember the many nights that were spent crying over this loss and listening to songs such as “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.” It’s true that just about any form of disappointment associated with real or perceived betrayal continues to be “hard to do.”
The good news always is that the Torah also teaches us that relational challenges can be healed and that bonds can even be strengthened. Yet, this can only occur if all the parties are committed to the relationship and willing to put in the work that this requires. Moreover, when there is an impasse, one party in the conflict must takes the high road, initiates the repair and possibly make the greatest sacrifices to save the relationship. Lest we think this goal is unattainable, in these parshiot the Torah teaches us just how this can be accomplished.
Indeed, if we immerse ourselves in the big picture and the details reflected in the chait ha’egel and the Mishkan construction project, even the greatest skeptics among us can learn how to reach for and accomplish this task. How so? If we consider the idea that Hakadosh Baruch Hu, the Divine Creator and CEO of the world, had every reason to destroy Bnei Yisroel and start all over again, yet He chose to offer the very people who betrayed Him the gift of the Mishkan as a gesture of forgiveness and a vehicle for healing the rift. Given this “big picture perspective,” how can we, mere imperfect beings with the charge to grow spiritually all the days of our lives, do any less?
This is not meant, chas v’shalom, to trivialize the seriousness of this mission or the inherent difficulties we will meet on the journey of healing. Rather, it is important to be mindful of the reality and know that this is still hard to do. Yet the Torah promises that we can strive for and be successful in this mission. Moreover, if the commitment is there, the relationship can be stronger than ever on the other side of the conflict. Most importantly, it starts with each one of us. It is in these parshiot that the Torah offers the important baby steps that can begin the process:
First: We must accept and have faith in the truth that working towards resolving relationship issues are hard, but doable, and that putting in the work that it requires will allow the relationship to grow in strength.
Second: We must understand that it is critical that the feelings and issues of the other party in our relationship must be heard, acknowledged and validated. Most importantly, even if we don’t see it that way, it is our job to empathize with their feelings of being dismissed, unloved, lonely, disappointed, betrayed and these feelings are real for them and need our validation.
Third: We we must do a cheshbon nefesh, and dig as deeply as possible to seek out the flaws in our own characters that are probably contributing to these issues. If we are truthful with ourselves, we will probably be lucky enough to find that steps 2 and 3 match. This is because we tend to choose spouses, friends etc. who possess some of the character traits that we are missing. This is because Hashem, our Heavenly matchmaker, brings us together to help us grow via one another. Given these insights, there is beauty to our imperfections, rather than shame or blame. This is because it is the flaws in our characters that allow us to grow.
Fourth: Given the Torah view that converges with current insights in “Positive Psychology,” we are taught that positive and negative thoughts cannot co-exist. In fact, we acknowledge this every morning when we say “Modeh Ani” and begin our day with an attitude of gratitude for all the positive things in our lives. Indeed, if we hold the positives in our relationships close to our hearts and begin each day with a positive upbeat attitude toward God, our spouses, parents, children and all the others Hashem is kind enough to send our way, then we will be good to go in sustaining and strengthening the bonds we are so lucky to have. Looking forward to sharing more Torah insights on how to realize the promise of improved and stronger bonds in all of our relationships.
By Renee Nussbaum, PhD, PsyA
Renee Nussbaum is a practicing psychoanalyst, with training in Imago and EFT. She also facilitates a chevrutah in cyberspace on the weekly parsha, edited by Debbie Friedman. She can be reached at [email protected].
