As Rosh Hashanah approaches we take the time to remind each other of what we think were our most important accomplishments of the past year as well as those things we feel we need to work on improving within ourselves. It is important for us to share what the greatest challenges were for each of us. They are not necessarily the same. Our intention is always to learn from the past and move on to make the next year an even better one. We tend not to spend time worrying what the future has in store for us. It does not make much sense to concern ourselves with what we have no control over.
During the past year we heard comments in passing from different people that shocked us. In most cases they were disturbing remarks made about close family members. Frequently people would state that they are no longer in touch with siblings. In one case a parent, who had chosen to take sides in an issue between siblings, was being demonized for an action that had taken place many years ago. One person commented that she had not spoken to her sister for years and years because she had married a non-Jew.
It is due to these disturbing remarks that we have decided to enlighten everyone on how we finally chose to come to our senses in dealing with a situation that most are confident and complacent enough to feel will never happen to them. We are forging ahead with the knowledge that some may be surprised at. Many years ago, our son Akiva informed us that he felt that he no longer wanted to be observant. As most parents raising children in Orthodox homes would react, we were stunned and overwhelmed. How? Why? Was it a rebbe? Was it something that happened? We did everything that most parents would have done in this situation. We consulted with rabbis, spoke to psychologists, cried frequently and in many ways punished him by not being there for him when he perhaps needed us the most. We remember the day many years ago when a member of our synagogue in Montreal commented to us as she was going through the agonizing realization that her son was about to marry a non-Jew. “Don’t worry, Rabbi, this will never happen to you and Nina.” At which point we responded, “No one has any guarantees of anything.” Little did we know at that time when our son was 10 years old that our comments were eerily realistic.
There were many years of anger and frustration, primarily because we were so sure that ours is the supreme way of life and we wanted only what is absolutely the best for our child. We are not talking about a rebellious child. We are not talking about a child who did not have a well-functioning brain. In fact, our son Akiva is a warm, caring, honest, intelligent, highly sensitive young man. We are sure that he suffered immeasurably from the hurt he knew he was inflicting upon us. At the time we could not see that. We were too busy wondering how this could have happened and why it happened.
Finally, together, as a couple, we came to the conclusion that our son was our son forever no matter what. He is one of our five jewels. We did not want to lose him. We always want him to be a vital member of our family. We are interested in sharing our lives with him as well as his life with us. We have become welcoming of his choices. They may not be ours but do our other children make choices that we always feel are correct? We regret that it took us as long as it did to embrace him the way that he always deserved to be. He did not ask us to abandon him. He merely has made different life choices. We embrace his partner, Leslie, who is not Jewish. She laughed when one of us asked her if it was possible that she had a grandmother or a great grandmother that was Jewish. She knew exactly what we were getting at. Obviously this situation has presented many challenges within our family. We have tried extremely hard to make each one as easy as it can be. Nothing in life is really simple, is it?
Again, we are sharing this because it is the beginning of a New Year. It is the opportunity for all of us to take the bull by the horns and make the phone call to the relative who 20 years ago made a disparaging remark about one’s wife or husband. We are also imploring people to rethink the pain inflicted on the person who is considered an outcast and outsider because of his life choices.
Life is much too short. We are not able to change what is. By being more accepting of the challenges we face we can tell you that life becomes much more beautiful and sunny.
Shana Tova and very best wishes to all of you.
Your thoughts and responses are welcome. Rabbi Mordechai and Nina Glick can be reached at [email protected].
By Rabbi Mordechai and Nina Glick
