You’ve been together for many years. You had hoped that it would be forever or at least, until one of you dies. That’s what happened to Don and Maxine Simpson. Just this past August, after their final few weeks, lying in beds next to each other, they died, after 62 years of a wonderful marriage, holding hands, with their moment of death separated by only four hours. Their family thought that might happen. As the American Heart Association has found, people really can die of a broken heart. In fact, even though people rarely think about it, that’s what most people probably hope for when they marry. But for many, sometime after the marriage, they begin to question their decision. They may have problems or annoyances, but they generally keep going.
Sometimes, though, the difficulties grow to overwhelming proportions and they get more and more angry. Many (or most) refuse to go to a rabbi, or to a counselor, or to anyone. If they do go for help, some do indeed learn how to navigate the often difficult parts of marriage and actually learn to change some of their behaviors, or learn to tolerate the partner. And many people who never went for help, actually do that in the process of staying married and keeping going even though it is often very difficult. But most very frustrated people don’t. And they get even more embittered, considering that they have gone for help and the partner still hasn’t changed (they probably haven’t changed either!) They may keep trudging through, with their complaints growing and their patience thinning. Most continue, slogging along with increased anger, living more and more separate existences. But that doesn’t help. Some finally, in desperation, decide to divorce. (If there are children, a minority go on to better lives or relationships, but most get divorced and adjust to even more arguments, continuing court battles, and, often, to increasing financial difficulties and pressure.) But some, stoically, decide to stay together for the sake of the children, at least until after the children have married.
Then they find themselves, after their children’s marriages, or some time later–often after many many years of marriage–deciding to actually throw in the towel. I was a bit surprised that some recent studies have found that while the divorce rate for the general population hasn’t changed much over the last 20 years, it has DOUBLED in people 50 and over. In many cases, that includes people who were married for 30, 40, 50, and even 60 years or more!
I don’t know about you, but I have had many periods of difficulty in my life, but as I began to get older, I have started to truly appreciate the beauty of life–even the thorny and sometimes awful parts of it. No-one ever promised us a rose garden, but if we just stop and cherish the beautiful parts, and just accept the awful ones, life is truly magnificent.
Dr. Glick was a clinical psychologist in private practice for 35 years as well as the rabbi of Congregation Ahavat Yisrael in Montreal. If you would like to submit a question, or contact him for an appointment, he can be reached at [email protected] or by calling him at 201-983-1532.
By Rabbi Dr. Mordechai GlicK
