Though we are an ocean apart, those of us in the Diaspora feel anguish for the suffering of our fellow Jews in Israel. It feels as if our world has been turned upside down, and we are deeply committed to supporting our brothers and sisters in any way that we can. For a unique and significant subset of American Jews, there is a dilemma with which they are grappling, which raises both philosophical as well as practical questions. Specifically, students spending their gap year in Israel as well as recent olim and those who have settled in Israel temporarily, must decide whether they are going to stay in Israel during this war or whether they are going to return to the States.
I sat much of the past week with clients, congregants, and friends who agonized over whether to bring their children home from Israel. I also listened to recent olim whose children are still adjusting to their new reality. They struggled within themselves, trying to prioritize which of their values should take precedence at this time. They weighed the mental health of their children, themselves and their family. Simply put, no matter the decision made, they did not feel completely settled and reassured that it was the right one.
But mostly, I listened to those who made the very difficult decision to return to the States, and who were seeking to talk in a non-judgmental and reflective space. While they had already acted upon their decision, many were experiencing feelings of discomfort, confusion and shame. They shared feelings of deep guilt over “abandoning our people,” and the word “coward” was mentioned again and again. But what I found most painful, was that their feelings were precipitated less from doubts that they had made the wrong decision, and more because too many in positions of Jewish leadership had left them feeling this way. Some of the rhetoric circulating in large measure from our leaders is that those who stay are heroic, that they have true ahavat Yisrael, that staying is defeating terrorism, and that the experience of running to bomb shelters is something they will be able to tell their children and grandchildren about. A common refrain I have seen printed and in videos is, “No judgment on those who left…BUT, we are exceptionally proud of those who stayed…” To praise those who stayed in Israel in the same sentence as telling those who are leaving that there is “no judgment,” is to have them confront “judgment” right to their face. The implicit converse of this message comes across piercingly clear to those who have made the very difficult decision to leave Israel at this time.
I wonder whether leaders who are sending these messages and not more nuanced ones, truly understand the effects, both short and long term, of our children’s mental health. Could they possibly know the consequences of voluntarily remaining in a war zone, one in which our brothers and sisters are under severe duress? I wonder if they have first or even second-hand knowledge of the experience of living with PTSD. And I wonder if they are familiar with cognitive dissonance – a pattern of thinking we engage in when we experience dissonant thoughts about a tough decision; when we could really decide either way because there are real pros and cons on both sides. What the psychological research has confirmed is that once we choose a position and make a decision, we naturally seek out information, often subconsciously, which confirms the choice we made. We latch onto messages which help us to feel reassured about our decision, and which highlight the negatives of the choice we rejected. One of the more profound results of this type of thinking is our reduced ability to see and hold onto complexity. We have a decreased capacity to appreciate the validity of multiple viewpoints – specifically those we didn’t adopt for ourselves. And my concern is that widespread messages which lean towards one side of a complex issue, facilitate this type of thinking. And furthermore, public statements, videos and posts which get forwarded over and over, without reflection, simply cannot honor the complexity and individual nature of making these very difficult decisions.
Please don’t misunderstand. Those who feel equipped to stay in Israel and have chosen to do so, need and deserve our support. Their sacrifices and willingness to embrace the unknown from the front lines cannot and should not be overlooked. What I am suggesting however, is that the only widespread message we should be sending is one which encourages everyone, on both sides of the issue, to find a protected and reflective space in which they can talk and process their feelings and thoughts. A space which facilitates finding language for complex and often contradictory feelings – feelings which are often enormously hard to capture with precise, accurate and clear language. So many of these feelings, when left unprocessed, will likely leave us confused, anxious and feeling inadequate. Those who are staying in Israel need our support and we should give it – but we must do so one-on-one.
One final thought which can be universally shared with our gap year kids specifically, is that their focus at this time should not be on themselves – as much as this may challenge their very human developmental stage. What they potentially will “gain” from this experience (which I have heard a few too many times as the motivation to stay put), is simply put, irrelevant, and dare I say selfish. Having worked with high school kids for over 20 years, I know well the struggle to motivate them to do good without “selling” the opportunity through the lens of “this is what you will get out of it.” Nevertheless, it is a message that they need to hear, and it is a message which will allow them to grow into adults with maturely developed feelings of empathy and compassion for others. Whether they stay in Israel or whether they leave, their primary concern needs to be about those in need and where they can be most helpful.
Personally, I have borne witness to what can be done here in the Diaspora to support those in Israel. My community in Englewood, NJ has always been involved in activism and we are accustomed to rolling up our sleeves. But we have galvanized this past week like never before. What has, and continues to take place, has left me emotionally humbled, speechless, and inspired. From grassroots efforts to larger ones, individuals are brainstorming as to where help is needed, organizing the necessary elements, and taking their ideas to completion. And I know that my community is just one of many about whom the same can be said. The palpable feeling of solidarity is accompanied by heavy hearts.
I hope this message inspires a constructive conversation – one we need to be having out loud instead of quietly behind closed doors.
Dr. Shoshana Poupko, Ed.D, LCSW works at Achieve Behavioral Health in Monsey, NY and serves as the rebbetzin of Congregation
Ahavath Torah in Englewood, NJ.
