Roast (verb):
- to cook by exposing to dry heat (as in an oven or before a fire) or by surrounding with hot embers, sand or stones
- to process a raw coffee bean by drying…
- to heat to excess…
- to subject to severe criticism or ridicule
These are some of the definitions of the word “roast” found in an ordinaryMerriam-Webster’s dictionary. But after a recent experience and its sequelae, I would add one more:
- to make fun of a soon-to-be groom to the point at which someone in the wedding party is hurt, negatively affected or otherwise put off, sometimes to the point of calling off a wedding even the day before it is scheduled.
Lest you think that this is an exaggeration or a passive-aggressive mussar shmooze, a brief survey of rabbis and psychologists in our Torah community will not only bear out these facts but may even prove them to be an understatement.
At a recent aufruf that I attended I witnessed a “roast” as I defined the term (in # 5) above. Speech after speech highlighted the failings of the choson, albeit quite humorously. Some touched on the choson’s past missteps, some focused on his dangerously poor middos and others were just plain silly. However, in the aggregate, I left the portion of the weekend in which I participated with an extremely diminished view of the choson and, frankly, with some level of apprehension and anxiety for the soon-to-be kallah. I could not shake the thought, “Does she know what she is getting herself into?” Even more jarring was that while she was not there, her family was! More than one of the family members approached me with their concerns.
Disconcerted and unsettled by these very uncomfortable feelings, I decided to look into the issue of “roasts.” I had been under the impression that this was something to be found in secular culture. For example, recently, a former athlete was subject to a roast in which he and his family were incessantly made fun of in a coarse and aggressive manner, and even he acknowledged the horrible impact it had on his family. Yet, after this particular aufruf, I heard time and time again that, in my naivete, I didn’t know that this has been an ongoing epidemic in our communities for well over a decade! And it was made very clear to me that this epidemic did not discriminate between Orthodox affiliations. It was as prevalent in Lakewood as it was in Teaneck, Brooklyn or the Five Towns. Admittedly, I was humbled by how surprised and appalled I was.
As readers of this article, you may be thinking, “Is it really such a big deal?” Well, yes, it is. I will count some (just some, because there are so many more) of the ways.
First, there is the purely halachic concern. Exactly how many mitzvos are violated I cannot say, and there are many rabbis who can list more than I can,1, but let me highlight two. The first is just basic lashon hara. The Chofetz Chaim writes, וראה ודע את גדל אסור לשון הרע, שאפילו אינו מדבר מתוך השנאה ולא נתכון בה ספור לגנותו רק אמרו דרך שחוק ודרך קלות ראש, אף על פי כן כיון שעל פי אמת דברי גנאי הוא, אסור מן התורה.
“And now also the greatness of the prohibition of lashon hara is that even if it is not spoken out of hate and the speaker does not intend to insult the subject and he only says it in jest and humor, still… this is prohibited from the Torah.”
While there are just too many sources to quote about the severity of the prohibition of lashon hara, I will suffice by quoting the language of Rambam:
אמרו חכמים: שלש עברות נפרעין מן האדם בעולם הזה ואין לו חלק לעולם הבא-עבודת כוכבים וגלוי עריות ושפיכות דמים ולשון הרע כנגד כלם.
For three sins, said Chachamim, a person gets punished in this world and has no portion in the world to come: idolatry, adultery and murder —and lashon hara is equal to all of them!” Whoa.
But it truly is worse than this. The second prohibition is onaas devarim, which is understood as the mentioning of a person’s past missteps. Inevitably, these roasts invoke what the groom used to be like and how he used to act. “Do you remember when you did this in yeshiva …?” At the aufruf I attended, each speech repeatedly undermined (even if some details were true) the work the choson had done to improve and grow and change in front of all those close to him and those soon to be close to him. Who gave them that right? How dare they?!
But it is more than that too. Do the speakers want to take responsibility for the impact that such a “roast” has? Without exaggeration, there are weddings that were called off or almost called off after the Shabbos aufruf roasting! Hours of work may need to go into repairing all the damage. Potential damage is caused to the choson, to his family, to his future family and to his future wife. Who is willing to shoulder the shalom bayis issues that could potentially grow from the poisonous seeds that were planted at the roasting?
1 See, for example, Rav Zvi Sobolofsky, Rosh Yeshiva at Yeshiva University and Rav of Congregation Ohr HaTorah in Bergenfield, Aufruf Roast: On the Grill or in the Furnace at YUTorah.org
There is so much more to say, but it is our job as a community to hold ourselves to a higher standard. We,as the adults, educators, rebbeim and parents must — absolutely must— educate the next generation as to the dangers of these roasts. The fifth definition of “roast” mentioned above must be expunged from our collective dictionaries. Rather than leaving an aufruf thinking, “Does she know what she is getting herself into?”,we should leave thinking, “Does she know how lucky she is?”
We should be blessed to make this change happen. A new generation of young couples and their families will forever be grateful.
*The author chose anonymity so as not to embarrass all those at the events mentioned. It’s also intended to speak on behalf of all those who have suffered as a result of the topic discussed.
