It’s open house season! Parents are visiting schools, filling out applications and reading up on social media, preparing to decide where to send their children for the next 4-10 years. Wow, that’s a long time! Parents rightfully focus on the academics, hashkafa and social dynamics of a school when making this decision. However, what seems to be overlooked is the importance of forming a strong partnership with the educators.
Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. That’s how much time we are mechanech our children. Educating our children happens in the classroom, during recess, at home, on the courts, at shul, on a Wednesday, on a Sunday on Shabbos. We—the partnership, the team—are the key to a successful education.
There are five major players in developing each and every child beginning from nursery school. The teachers, administrators, parents and children are each responsible for this process. I would like to suggest that there are three components in ensuring this is an effective partnership among all players: common goals, trust and communication.
It is obvious that we need to have common goals in order for this partnership to thrive. For example, if a parent prioritizes Torah learning beyond school hours, involvement in chesed or chavrusa-style learning, and then sends his child to a school that does not promote these values, the parent will be very disappointed. In the same vein, parents and educators also need to have the same realistic expectations for each individual child in the classroom. As parents, when we choose a yeshiva for our child we are saying that the goals we have for our children are the same as the goals set by the yeshiva. What can we as parents do to promote these values and goals at home?
It is essential that all partners trust one another. Imagine there are four people in a business together. Three of them suspect the fourth partner of taking out extra funds for personal use. It’s all over. But imagine if they trusted each other. Wouldn’t they give him the benefit of the doubt? Wouldn’t they talk it over and understand what really happened? The result in this scenario would be quite different. Each partner in the success of our children needs to be trusted.
The final component is communication. Any healthy relationship relies on a solid means of communication that is open on all fronts. Teachers and administrators should always be on the same page. Despite not being in the class, the administrator works to know each child, his challenges and successes. Every morning Rabbi Bernstein, the principal of the middle school boys at RYNJ, sits by the front door greeting each boy by name. He asks them how their game was, how the exam went or how they resolved an issue.
When something problematic occurs or a disagreement ensues it is vital as parents to communicate our thoughts appropriately with our childrens’ educators. That means that we don’t discuss our strong opinions in front of our children or at the Shabbos table with our guests. Our kids are listening! It is okay to have a difference of opinion, but it must be voiced in the proper manner. It is imperative to try to understand what really happened, and more importantly why it happened. We cannot place blame on a teacher, administrator, parent or student because of something we heard from a friend, read on social media or even because of past personal experiences. If something seems off, figure it out! We all want the partnership to thrive.
Parents need to be part of the conversation. They should be made aware of the general progress of their children or of any struggles. If we expect parental involvement in this partnership then they must know what is happening. There does not need to be an issue to require communication. Knowing that everything is good or status quo is also important. What parent doesn’t enjoy a phone call or an email saying that her child is doing nicely, asked a great question or is so respectful?
Once we create this relationship with common goals, mutual trust and healthy communication, then we can start the journey. Once everyone is on board we can teach, challenge and help our children. When difficulties arise we can brainstorm together for solutions. When success is reached we can smile and feel proud together.
You may be wondering who edited this article. How could one miss the sentence that stated “there are five major players” when only four were listed? The role of Hakadosh Baruch Hu cannot be underestimated in the success of our children’s chinuch. Rarely will a tefillah pass by that I don’t think of my children at home as well as my children in school.
I remember sitting with one of my rebbeim, Rav Yammer, discussing a letter written by Rav Hutner. A man asked Rav Hutner how he as a ben Torah can practice medicine. Wouldn’t this be living a fraudulent double life? Doctor when at work and ben Torah at home? Rav Hutner responded that one may not live a double life; however, one should live a broad life. If at all hours of the day he understands that he is a ben Torah then that will guide him regardless of where he is and what he is doing.
This is a golden message that we sometimes need to remind ourselves as well as our kids. We want our children to daven and learn when they are in school. Can we continue that important message when they are home? Can we encourage our children to attend minyanim and open a sefer in the evenings or on the weekends?
It all seems so obvious, yet not always that simple. Many parents have full-time jobs, multiple kids to manage and responsibilities at home. Administrators are responsible for 200 to 300 students. Teachers have anywhere from 20 to 80+ students, and our students are juggling full academic schedules, sports teams and social lives. Somewhere, sometime there needs to be a meeting of the minds. I do not profess to be an expert in any of the aforementioned issues. Forging this meaningful relationship is something that I continue to work on both as a parent and as a rebbi. Let us work at this partnership and daven for the success of each one of our children, Together.
Rabbi Tzvi Geffner is an eighth-grade rebbe at RYNJ.
