If women ran the world, what would that be like? Would there be more mandatory shopping days? More double-coupon possibilities? If they ran the world would husbands be at the supermarket more than their wives who were busy running the world? Sometimes, men will say, “I am busy at the office right now and I have no time to pick up formula for our newborn son that you spent 18 hours trying to deliver, without an epidural, before they had to slice you open in order for you to make me a father. Ya, but sorry, I cannot get you that formula right now.” But if women ran the world, well, we would still be having babies so our husbands could still come up with all kinds of excuses not to help. In the secret men’s handbook on “how to be an effective inept spouse,” yes, we know about that book. The very first chapter teaches you that if you help with something once, you prove to your wife that you are, in fact, able to do it and then they remember and then you are stuck doing that for the rest of your lives. SO DON’T DO ANYTHING, EVER. Yes, that is chapter one, but the theme runs through the entire book. In any event, this brings me to the topic at hand: if women were in charge of Major League Baseball. Trust me, I have given this a lot of thought this week and somehow, I will make it all come together.
Baseball teams are a brotherhood. They practice for hours together. They travel together. They make all sorts of inappropriate jokes when they are on the road (or home) because they are all guys and you know the saying, “boys will be boys.” But when it comes to being loyal to your team, these men know how to do this and they do it any way they see fit. Sometimes, this becomes a problem. Like when a pitcher “accidentally” hits a player from the other team with a pitch. More times than not there is a history about this incident and more times than not, they all see it coming. Things like this tend to happen and what the players don’t seem to realize is that kids idolize them and then they mirror what they see them do. If you can hit that guy with a pitch, why can’t I? It becomes a whole lesson in who is a good role model for your child, and some of these athletes fail miserably, with a capital M. This brings us to Chase Utley. Chase Cameron Utley is a second baseman for the Los Angeles Dodgers.
Before my New York Mets took on the Chicago Cubs for the National League pennant, they defeated the L.A. Dodgers in the Divisional Playoffs. But the Mets won the playoff series at a significant cost when infielder Ruben Tejada went down with a broken leg.
Tejada, while attempting to turn a double play, saw his action come to an end when Utley meanie-face guy did something really not so nice. Now, even though I am writing about sports, I am still a girl, so humor me with the lingo. Utley performed a “takeout slide” which has nothing to do with one of those cute little hamburgers you can get at the Doghouse or Gotham Burger. A takeout slide is like a hit order from the mob. You want to take the infielder out so there is no way he can make the double play. It was painful to watch live. It was even more painful to watch over and over again in the replays. Hopefully, my Mets’ post-season will end with a World Series win. But we already know that the season ended for poor Ruben because he has a broken leg as a result of that meanie-face Utley.
Now, if women played in the major leagues (see, I am going to pull this all together now, hopefully), it would be a whole different ball game, pun intended. Women, as a rule, and of course not all women, and if your daughter is a great athlete don’t get insulted by any of this, it’s a humor column not a statement on feminists in the world of sports, just relax, okay. Women, as a rule, don’t really like to get so dirty. There wouldn’t be that much sliding if we all played this sport because some of the uniforms are white and women do not like walking around in dirty clothes. Another point, if the second base woman wanted to distract the infielder from the other team, she would probably just say to her, “Hey, those cleats make you look like a real fatty, maybe you should start drinking diet Gatorade pudge-ball,” causing the infielder to cry and drop the ball and ruin the play. Sweet and simple. Women know how to hurt without having to break any bones. It is an unfortunate gift that some of us have been given.
In any event I will say this. If my Mets are no longer in the running for the World Series when this article goes to press, I will be sad, but give my full endorsement to the Chicago Cubs because (1) My sister-in-law is from Chicago and she is awesome, and (2) The Cubs haven’t won a World Series in about 104 years, so it’s about time. Good luck to all and to Chase…well, I better not see your meanie-face in my neck of the woods any time soon…
Banji Ganchrow knows that there is horrible stuff going on in Israel, but she would rather make you laugh than cry…
By Banji Latkin-Ganchrow
