“They’re coming in!”
The sound of trumpets grow louder as the sea of guests quickly part in the middle, and on all sides the chattan is surrounded and danced into the wedding hall. Approaching the kallah at the b’dekin, the chattan whispers in her ear, hands her a long stemmed rose, and then tenderly releases the white veil. The room is positively electrically charged as chattan and kallah linger for a few more seconds before he is whisked away to prepare for the chuppa ceremony. There isn’t anything more dramatic or romantic than this part of the wedding, and I hustle to get up close for a good view.
Certainly, I’m also happy for my relatives and friends who glow and beam in beautiful wedding gowns and freshly pressed tuxedos. Of course, I enjoy eating an array of food from the smorgasbord. Where else would you find sweet breads at one table, sushi at the next, and a dizzying assortment of wine?
However, back when I was a 20-something single woman, I didn’t always feel so comfortable at weddings. There would be the moment when someone ambled over to me looking all earnest and sympathetic. “Don’t worry, next time it will be your turn,” they’d offer in reassuring tones. Or somewhere in the conversation a quick and awkward segue, “So…..are you dating anyone?” Surely, most of these people meant well and had good intentions, but these comments often felt uncomfortable and intrusive. And then there was the memorable time an acquaintance approached me about a potential date, a person he knew little about. All he seemed to know was that this person was male, single, and Jewish. A perfect match! So, when I balked at this unappealing prospect, he said icily, “Well, you know you’re not a spring chicken anymore.” My jaw fell down, and it took a while to lift it off the floor.
At weddings and other social gatherings, it’s a better idea to let singles initiate the conversation about their social life. If you have someone suitable in mind, please make sure to raise the topic in a tactful and sensitive way. Try focusing on their professional lives which are usually really interesting and fodder for great conversation. Back in the day, singles often formed their own social connections, meeting people on their own, and weddings were a great place to mix and mingle. Why don’t young people meet that way anymore?
Nowadays, when I watch my own wedding video, I chuckle at all the faux pas moments that are recorded for posterity. As I was sitting at my own b’dekin, a distant relative from the other side (naturally), looked back and forth from me to my stepmother and announced to us and to video land, “It cannot be denied, you are both one “punim” (face). In reality, the only physical feature my stepmother and I shared was our blonde frosted hair. By the way, what was I thinking when I bought that wedding dress with the vintage ’80s puffy shoulders that made me look like a vanilla float?
The video also captured so many poignant moments: my father, a”h, as he’s giving me, his youngest daughter, a bracha; relatives smiling and sipping their soup; and friends toasting the newly married couple with good natured teasing and inside jokes.
Although weddings are joyous milestones, there’s a lot of work that goes into making them run smoothly. The road is filled with potential challenges: guest lists, different tastes in venues and financial capacities, tables settings, who sits together and who sits as far apart as possible? One side may want simple and the other side likes elaborate. Who receives the brachot? Emotions tend to run high when families are brought together, and are now newly blended. You can absolutely count on someone saying something without thinking, getting lost in one of the million details, and perhaps one or two details not working out as planned. I was at a wedding where the chattan actually forgot the wedding band a few minutes before walking down to the chuppa, and an aunt stepped in and lent her ring for the ceremony.
It’s so easy to get distracted and lose focus of what is important. A friend recounted that during the wedding for an older child, she got lost in the minutiae of the details. “For my engaged daughter’s wedding in a few weeks, I’m going to stay in the moment,” she promised. Carol, is very astute and experienced in the wedding department, and has made a few weddings for her own children. She’s learned a few things along the way and offers this sound advice to people making weddings, “Keep your eye on the prize, the only thing that really matters are the relationships of the participants. It’s important that the couple feel loved, respected, and that their parents get along. Honesty and respect go a long way. Before tension escalates for one reason or another, seek someone wise to discuss the situation.”
Carol stresses the focus should be less on the details and more on getting along and working together. What’s most essential is all the relationships on the way to the wedding, and afterwards.
Mazal Tov to all!
Esther Kook is a Teaneck resident. She’s a reading teacher, tutor, and a freelance writer.
By Esther Kook
