Life’s most precious moments unfold through our relationships—as mothers, wives, daughters, sisters, friends and professionals. Juggling these roles isn’t just about wearing different hats, it’s a balancing act of responsibilities and relationships. Drawing from both my professional and personal journey, I’m thrilled to launch this column to help you in navigating life’s most meaningful relationships. Your questions will shape this journey, and I’m here to offer insights that resonate with real-life challenges we all face.

Dear Penina,

My daughter was recently introduced to a young man, and they seem to like each other. My daughter is only 20 years old, and while I want her to be happy, I’m unsure if she’s ready to date with the intention of marriage. We haven’t even had a discussion whether she was ready to date. How can I guide her properly and know if she possesses the judgment needed to make such significant decisions about marriage? I didn’t grow up the way she did and this is my oldest child, so I don’t know much about the world of shidduch dating.

Sincerely,
A Concerned Mother

Dear Concerned Mother,

First, I want to commend you for reaching out to me and for trying to do the right thing for your daughter, including thinking things through before you go to her with your concerns. The self-awareness and concern for your daughter show me that you will be a great help to her during this process.

It’s understandable for you to feel concerned about this situation, and it can be daunting navigating the shidduch dating world, even for those who met their spouse through a shadchan or married off other children in this manner. Before we discuss her readiness, I think there is a more important issue to discuss: Why didn’t she reach out to you before she started dating? Perhaps she feels that you can’t relate to shidduch dating or perhaps you have communicated that you don’t want her to meet someone that way. Do you have open conversations about other topics? If so, I would suggest having an open conversation, with no judgment, about dating and specifically about what she sees in this young man. You should also discuss what her plans are if they decide that they want to get married.

This conversation can be your biggest indicator to see if she’s ready. It’s possible that she isn’t grounded in reality or that she hasn’t really given much thought to the whole idea and is just following what her friends are doing. You might also find that she is ready and your real concern stems from the fact that you aren’t ready for this. If you are having an open conversation, you should be able to communicate your concerns to your daughter and the two of you can navigate the next steps.

With a relationship of trust, you should also be able to guide her in the dating process. As a parent, it is your job to make sure that she knows how to assess his character. Does he demonstrate respect, kindness, responsibility and emotional maturity? How does he handle disagreements or challenging situations? How does he interact with others, particularly family and friends?

You should encourage her to have conversations about their values and long-term goals. Do they align on important matters like family, religious outlook, lifestyle and personal aspirations? While complete agreement on everything isn’t necessary, compatibility on certain fundamentals is crucial.

Based on your question, it seems that they have gone on more than a few dates. I would strongly recommend meeting him so that you can observe not only his character, but how the two of them interact. If you live out of town, it is worthwhile to get on a plane for this meeting. This is an important period in your daughter’s life and she should know that you are committed to help guide her through this process. If you do notice something that she might have missed, make sure to point it out to her in a loving way that will lead her to see the same thing.

Remind your daughter that there’s no need to rush. Taking the time to get to know someone thoroughly is essential before making significant commitments. Encourage her to enjoy the dating process and focus on building a strong foundation for a potential future together.

Remember, your role as a parent is to guide and support your daughter, not to make decisions for her. By fostering open communication, providing a safe space for her to explore her feelings, and encouraging thoughtful decision-making, you can help her navigate this new chapter with confidence and build a strong foundation for a healthy and fulfilling future.

Sincerely,

Penina

Penina Flug, LCSW, has dedicated over two decades to helping individuals, couples and families. She received her master’s in social work from Fordham University in 2003, and advanced training in emotionally focused couples therapy (EFT) in 2015. Her private practice focuses on relationship therapy and premarital education. Penina is also a passionate advocate of premarital education within the Jewish community and contributes to the field by training premarital educators, including kallah teachers. She can be reached at [email protected].