“If God wanted me to enjoy the holidays, He wouldn’t have given me three (three!) three-day Yamim Tovim in one month.” How many of us have thought some iteration of this statement over the last month? Whether you are going away or staying home, the pressure to create a meaningful, spiritual holiday experience can leave many of us feeling overwhelmed and disheartened. On top of feeling overwhelmed, there also may be some guilt and shame around our negative feelings. “Why can’t I just relax and enjoy the holidays?” is a commonly asked question, along with my personal favorite: “How is everyone else holding it together when I’m falling apart?”
Amidst the whirlwind of holiday stress, one simple question can be transformative: “What do I need in this moment?” During times with no routine, such as holidays, we can often neglect our own needs because we are so focused on fulfilling external obligations. When our needs are neglected, we internalize stress and anxiety, which can often make us ticking time bombs, either towards ourselves or towards our loved ones. When you feel your old friend Anxiety start to arrive, you may notice a pit in your stomach, a claustrophobic feeling, or a tightness in your chest. As soon as you are aware of the anxiety arriving, that’s a great time to check in with yourself and see what you need. Maybe it’s space, or social connection, or hydration. Maybe it’s rest, or physical movement, or validation. By tuning in to what you need, you can address the anxiety before it gets overwhelming.
Ideally, once you figure out what you need, you can ask a supportive family member for help in a very direct and specific way. For example, “Can you put the salad together while I go lie down for a few minutes?” However, realistically, many people are not in a situation where asking for help will get an appropriate response. Some family members might not understand or respect your needs or may be wrapped up in their own stress. In these cases, asking for help can feel incredibly frustrating.
If you are not in a situation where you can rely on anyone for support, it may be necessary to accept these limitations and focus on what you can control. Does that mean that some things will be sacrificed for others? Absolutely! When you make the choice to let your kids go crazy with the Legos while you sit on your couch and drink coffee, you know there will be a bigger mess for you later. When you take a quick nap after shul instead of making another salad, you know that when your guests come, you’re going to be busy for a few minutes in the kitchen. That’s why asking yourself “What do I need right now?” helps you whittle down the to-do list into what is truly important for you to function as your best self.
“But Shira,” I hear the perfectionists and people-pleasers among you shouting, “It will bring up my anxiety to have a messy house! It will bring up my anxiety to skip the soup course because my family will give me such pushback that it won’t even be worth it! It will bring up my anxiety to skip shul because my parents will judge me and be angry!” These concerns are valid and a key part of understanding our anxiety. Anxiety often stems from a desire for control and approval. By practicing self-compassion—offering ourselves the same kindness, understanding and care that you would offer others—we are nurturing ourselves in a way that allows us to thrive emotionally, mentally, and, studies show, even physically. This means that even if our children say, “Mommy! It’s so annoying that you didn’t make chicken soup; it’s my favorite,” you can respond in a validating and empathetic way without getting defensive and taking it personally or seeing it as a judgment.
As you move through the holiday season, remember that prioritizing your well-being is essential and that can start by being aware of what you need to bring yourself to a balanced and calm place in a hectic and emotionally complicated time. Chag Sameach to all!
Shira Somerstein brings a wealth of experience and compassion to her clients at Collaborative Minds Psychotherapy LLC. Shira specializes in young adults and adults going through life transitions and general anxiety. Shira utilizes IFS, CBT and DBT, as well as other modalities to foster resilience, empowerment and practical skill-building in every session.
