A recent article in Time magazine entitled “How a Myth of Perfect Motherhood Hurts Moms” discusses the concept of “mom shaming” and the ways in which our judgments of new and expectant moms affect their emotional and mental health. From the moment a child is conceived, moms-to-be are subjected to an incredible amount of pressure from those around them. As Clare Howorth, who wrote the piece in Time, states “partly to blame are tsk-tsking furies: the barista who challenges your coffee order, the mother-in-law who asks why the ketchup isn’t organic, the fellow partygoer who wonders, eyebrow cocked, if the drink you are holding is ‘virgin.’” While I do believe that more often than not those around us are well-intentioned, the impact that these criticisms have on new parents is significant and cannot be ignored. As a new mom myself, and in my work with many moms-to-be and new parents in my therapy practice, I have dealt with these issues and their impact on couples and families first hand. Here are some of the most important points to remember the next time you’re tempted to give unsolicited advice to a pregnant woman or a new parent:

1. You’re missing vital information: Before jumping to conclusions about another parent’s decisions on how to raise their children, try to remember that you probably don’t have enough information about their life to make a judgment. There are multiple factors to consider when making parenting decisions, such as finances, marital status, employment, other kids in the home, health and family support among many others. We simply do not know how these things affect other people’s lives and parenting choices. Remembering this is an essential step in ensuring that we don’t pass unfair judgments on parents or parents-to-be without sufficient information.
2. No two pregnancies are the same: Many of my clients have shared anecdotes about judgments they experienced in pregnancy. What many of them have in common is that they’ve been on the receiving end of unsolicited advice. For example, a pregnant client of mine recently shared a story about being shamed by another pregnant guest at a dinner party for the foods she chose to eat at the meal. We might think that expectant parents would join one another in solidarity and support each other on their journeys to parenthood; however, that is often not the case. This is usually because most new and expectant moms have been judged before, making them feel vulnerable, and in turn becoming the judgers in order to lift themselves up. I advise my clients to try not to think of others as your competitors and instead to bond together, despite the different decisions they might make for themselves.
3. Focus on the bigger picture: As long as a child is well fed and healthy, does it really matter if they are formula or breast fed? If a mom had a healthy delivery, why do we focus so much on what kinds of pain management she chose during labor? We have become far too focused on issues like these, which alienate us from one another. I have lost count of the number of clients I’ve seen who’ve reported judgment by friends, family members and even complete strangers about these types of decisions. As a result of these judgments by others, many of the moms I’ve worked with report feeling guilty about the choices they made, even when they had good reasons to make them. Instead of focusing on these details, try commenting on how healthy their baby looks and how impressed you are with how well Mom is caring for baby during such a tough transition period. By focusing on the baby’s health and mom’s strengths in this scenario, you are joining with a new mom in her desire to raise a happy and healthy baby. You are also encouraging her to keep up the good work!
4. Try to remember what your first parenting experience was like: Surprisingly, many of the perpetrators of “mom shaming” are other, more experienced parents. A client recently told me about how diminished her sister, who has several older kids, made her feel for expressing concern about her child’s eating habits. Although the questions that new parents ask and the concerns that they share may seem silly, try to remember what child-rearing was like for you the first time around. Reflecting on your experience and taking a moment to put yourself in a new parent’s shoes can help you become a better and more supportive resource for those with less knowledge and practical experience.

I realize that most people are not trying to be hurtful when they make these comments or ask these types of questions. Many inquirers don’t realize the negative impact of their judgments. My goal in writing this article, other than to let new moms know that they aren’t alone, is to educate others on the importance of awareness and sensitivity when interacting with new parents. Becoming a parent is an emotional, intense and exciting experience that should be celebrated.

By Kira Batist-Wigod

 Kira Batist-Wigod is a social worker with a wide range of experience and training in cognitive behavioral therapy, trauma work and stress management. Kira specializes in treating people with chronic illnesses, depression and anxiety. She sees clients in her private practice in NYC and in New Jersey, where she also holds workshops on various topics. Kira also works at a medical center in the Bronx. Contact Kira by e-mail at [email protected] or by calling 917-765-4743. You can also visit her website at www.batistpsychotherapy.com.