Is this another category of “things” that we will be told are old-fashioned and no longer necessary? Maybe it is just us. Yet, we wonder what others do when they give a gift other than a check as a wedding present and have no way of knowing whether or not the happy couple ever received it. Yes, it is true that many couples are so busy. Some go to school, some work, some get home late at night, yet it seems that they do have time for weekend getaways, quiet dinners and vacations, which are desperately needed because they are soooooo tired from their stressed-out lives.
No, we do not give a gift for the thank you. Someone please tell us how we are to know if it was received if not for the thank you note. Nina in particular takes pride in trying to come up with ideas for gifts that will not necessarily be the norm. Recently her idea was to give a lovely couple a gift certificate to an upscale restaurant in the city in which they lived. In actuality it is much easier to write a check and put it into an envelope. As we are living in the world of electronic everything, the certificate was emailed to the couple directly from the restaurant. We confirmed from the restaurant that it had been received. One month, two months, three months and it became nine months and we still had no acknowledgement of the gift. Embarrassingly, Nina contacted the kallah’s mother to ask her to double check if the gift had been received. Her response several days later was that the couple had loved their meal and had a great time.
By inquiring this way we knew that it would place both mother and daughter in an uncomfortable situation. Most parents today hope that their children are acknowledging gifts that they receive, in many cases from the parents’ friends and family. We also all know that after a certain age children do not feel as though they need to listen to their parents at all and we as parents have to cringe before we say anything.
We receive the loveliest notes from bar and bat mitzvah celebrants. Brief and to the point: “Thank you for your gift.” “Thank you for the lovely bracelet.” “I am sorry that you could not attend my bar mitzvah.” Obviously, at the ripe young age of 12 and 13, mom and dad still have the upper hand. Why should it be such a “tircha” (hardship) for older “children”?
We have been reading up on the use of the words thank you. It is suggested in many posts that by using those two words, disturbing situations can be totally turned around. “I am so sorry that I did not make it to your shiva. There must have been so many people there.” Instead of responding and thinking, “Yes, but there was room for you also,” a quick response of “thank you” ends the discomfort on both sides. On one side is the individual who feels the need to say something and ends up saying something ridiculous, and on the other side is the mourner who has the opportunity to either really make the person feel even worse or replies “thank you,” which ends everyone’s discomfort.
We don’t know how well the following would work, and we don’t think it would work well with us, but we will give it a try. A husband looks at his wife as she has just dressed for a dinner appointment with a client and he tells her that he thinks she should change her outfit as it makes her look heavy. Supposedly this is the perfect opportunity for the wife to defuse a situation and say “thank you for telling me that but I think I will just wear the outfit anyway.” Not always easy to do but nevertheless works really well.
Personally, as writers of a weekly column in The Jewish Link, we have received primarily complimentary comments from our readers, which we try to acknowledge, but truth be told the occasional blast arrives as well. After thinking about this, we will continue to respond to all emails, but in the future we will thank the person who blasts us for taking the time to read our column and comment on it.
By Rabbi Mordechai and Nina Glick
Rabbi Mordechai and Nina Glick are living in Bergenfield after many years of service to the Montreal Jewish community. Rabbi Glick was the rav of Congregation Ahavat Yisroel as well as a practicing clinical psychologist in private practice. He also taught at Champlain Regional College. The Glicks were frequent speakers at the OU marriage retreats. Nina coordinated all Yachad activities in Montreal and was a co/founder of Maison Shalom, a group home for young adults with special needs. They can be reached at [email protected].
