Dear Dr. Chani,

Something happened recently that made me really upset at many important people in my life. I have been trying to work through it, but I am still far from over it and could use some help.

On Thanksgiving weekend, my husband went with two friends on a trip down South. Between working from home, having the kids home so often, the unknowns of the coronavirus situation, as well as generally working hard, my husband felt he really needed a break. I agreed. So he arranged to travel to Florida with two of his friends. He told me that he enjoyed the weekend and felt invigorated. I was so happy that he was able to go.

After awhile, I was thinking about how much I also needed a break. I saw how much the trip did for my husband, and I thought that I could also use a mini-vacation like that. I was not going to act on it. Surprisingly, a few days later, one of my friends called me to tell me that she was going on a trip with a mutual friend and asked me if I wanted to join. It took me time to get used to the idea, but then I told my husband that I wanted to go.

That is when things started to get sticky. My husband was really not into this idea. He would not even hear of it. He explained that it was not fair to our family, that he could not juggle everything without me, and that he needed the break because he was working! The more he explained his reasons to me, the more I refused to give in. I deserved this break and I was not going to let it go. I wanted my trip, fair and square.

The difference of opinion we felt did not cause that much friction between us. I planned to go on my trip. Until … my husband told his father what was going on and how much he did not want me to go. Yes. He did. Wait. It gets better. His father and mother then called my mother and told her how I should not go. (You cannot make this stuff up.) My mother ever-so-gingerly told me that she found out about it and we discussed it.

To make a long story short, I am not going on the trip. That is not even the part that bothers me so much. I still cannot believe how many of my boundaries were violated. First of all, I could not believe that my husband went and told his parents, and without even telling me. I discussed it with him and we worked it out, but it still bothers me.

Then, my mother-in-law went behind my back and called my mother about it! Does she think I am some little girl in grade school? It’s like I pulled her daughter’s hair in class and she needs to call my mommy. How could my mother-in-law do that? I am really upset about how this whole situation grew out of proportion. How can I resolve this mess?

Sincerely,

Tammy

Dear Tammy,

You are in a situation that snowballed out of control. What started as an issue in balancing your needs in your marital relationship ended up causing breaches of boundaries and meddling. There are a lot of angles to discuss here. Let us focus on the central issue here that led to later problems, that is—your relationship with your husband.

Your shock and dismay that your husband involved his parents in your disagreement is justified. Your husband should not have crossed the boundary of your marriage and disclosed your disagreement with his parents in order to vent his frustrations and/or solve the problem of you going on your trip. He should have continued to try to work out his issues with you directly.

The question you need to start with here is why would your husband complain to his parents about your trip? Could it be that he didn’t feel he could share his feelings with you or resolve the issue by discussing it further with you? It is interesting that when you initially planned to go on your trip despite your husband’s objections, you describe that it “did not cause that much friction between us.” It sounds like you had an impression that your husband was able to emotionally deal with your decision, when, in fact, he was still struggling. You allowed yourself to believe that since you had discussed the matter with him, and, in your opinion, it was “fair and square” for you to go on your trip, that he eventually accepted your version of reality.

Yet, based on his action of complaining to his parents about your upcoming trip, it seems your communication with your husband was not enough. He did not feel your disagreement was resolved and he gave up trying to discuss it with you. Since he was deeply bothered and concerned, he confided in his parents.

As you look to the future to understand how this entire situation unravelled, think about and value your communication with your husband above all else. When there is a point of contention between you and your spouse, the most important thing to do is to discuss it—many times if necessary. The only way out is through. When you and your spouse feel safe sharing your feelings in a conflict, you gain a greater understanding of yourself, your spouse and the situation.

Going forward, start by improving and deepening your communication with your husband. Reflect on why he might not have felt “heard” in your conversations about your trip and try to improve your listening skills this time around. Of course, you should express your feelings as well. But first, focus on listening to your husband. Ask open-ended questions to clarify how he felt and why he acted the way he did. Specifically, ask your husband why he spoke to his parents.

Your purpose is not to judge, blame or criticize him, but to understand him. When he realized you were determined to go on your trip, was your husband looking to his parents for sympathy, for them to deliver a solution, or for something else? Ask your husband to reflect on this situation in light of his general dynamic with his parents. Does he generally seek his parents’ advice for problem solving? It is helpful for you to ask your husband about his feelings, his motivation and his hindsight about what happened. You can also work as a team to figure out how you can resolve your disappointment about his parent’s actions and how you may approach them about it.

Plan to have ongoing conversations with your husband to help both of you understand each other better and heal from this experience. As you have these conversations, you can create a plan together about how to approach future conflicts and how to maintain proper boundaries with parents.

Wishing you much success,

Chani

Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist and relationship coach, specializing in teaching emotional connection and communication skills for over two decades. She coaches individuals and couples, teaches courses on how to become a master of relationships, and provides free relationship resources at chanimaybruch.com. Learn a step-by-step method to improve your ability to emotionally connect with her new online course: The RELATE Technique™—Seven Steps to Emotionally Connect Through Conversation. Reach out to her at [email protected].