It was a pretty typical night in our home a few years back. It changed when one of my children asked that I make school lunches again. My wife was surprised. Every family has the household chores divided up among the parties in the home. It was my wife who made the lunches for the kids every night. The night before, however, she asked me to make lunches as she was working late and had a lot to do at home. I made lunches and the kids seemed to think that I did a great job. My wife asked the child requesting I make lunches, “Why do you want Abba to make lunches?” The child responded, “Because he gives us only good snacks, not the healthy ones!”
There, I was caught! My wife looked at me, but I was a bit confused. “You didn’t give them any healthy snacks?” my wife asked. I responded, “You asked me to make lunches, you didn’t give me detailed instructions about what exactly you wanted me to give. How was I supposed to know that they get two healthy snacks?” “Why didn’t you ask me if you weren’t sure?” my wife responded. “Because I didn’t think there was anything wrong with the lunches I prepared,” I responded. My wife made clear on that night what lunches should contain, healthy snacks and all. While I was internally and vocally annoyed, I did manage at some point that night to be honest with myself. I realized and verbally acknowledged to my wife that I had been critical of her on many occasions for not doing something the way I had wanted it even though I was never clear, and she would have had no way of knowing what I intended.
Rashi explains that Hashem instructed Moshe to teach the Jewish people the mitzvot with clarity. In order for Bnei Yisrael to observe the mitzvot properly, it was important that they understood what it would take to observe them, and how to do so. Rashi says that Hashem told Moshe that the mitzvot should be presented as a set table is, before someone is ready to partake of their meal. If the Jewish people were just instructed about the mitzvot without the understanding of how to observe them, they would not have been successful at internalizing the message and incorporating observance into their lives. The same is true when we ask someone to do something for us or on our behalf. How often do we ask a spouse, a child or grandchild, an employee or a friend to do a given task, and we assume that they understand what we want them to do, even if we are not very clear. We may even become angry if what we asked is not done correctly, even though we are the ones who should take the blame. The Torah’s lesson is that we have to be clear when communicating with others. We should not become angry when others don’t read our minds. Being more aware of this tendency can be a critical factor in ensuring that we live healthy lives and maintain healthy relationships.
By Rabbi Eliezer Zwickler, LCSW
Rabbi Eliezer Zwickler is rabbi of Congregation AABJ&D in West Orange, New Jersey, and is a licensed clinical social worker in private practice. Rabbi Zwickler can be reached at [email protected].
