Caring Organizer is a new, free, easy to use, online resource tool for organizing meals and providing support when someone is sick or has lost a loved one. Elisa Udaskin, CEO and Founder, shares her tips on why we hesitate to reach out when someone dies and what we can do to overcome it.
Why is it our natural instinct to hesitate when someone dies?
Death is uncomfortable for all of us. This is the reason why we sometimes back away from it when it enters our lives and don’t reach out. When friends or family lose a loved one, we sometimes find ourselves making excuses and justifying our inactions by saying that the grieving person needs space and does not need us.
How do you best approach an acquaintance who is grieving?
It is especially challenging when the person who has lost someone is not close to you. You see them often, perhaps a work colleague, or at a regular activity you or your children participate in. You feel that you are not in their inner circle and should therefore stand back and not “bother” them. Don’t let your inner voice convince you that you are not close enough. In these cases, it is just the opposite. Extending yourself in these situations will go a long way in supporting that person and is just as important. You can make a memorial donation, send them a personal text or email or a sympathy card. There are many meaningful gestures you can do that will show them your support during this difficult time.
How can one best manage their own discomfort around death?
The most important thing to do is accept that you are in an uncomfortable place and become comfortable in the discomfort. Ultimately, it is about putting yourself out there. Recognize that this is not about you, it is about the person you care about. It is never too late to express your condolences. It is normal to procrastinate, but it is more important to still reach out to let others know you are thinking of them—even if time has passed.
What are some tangible things we can do to support a grieving person?
There are things that the person grieving will need. It is important, though, not to merely ask them what they need. They will naturally say there is nothing they need. Instead, make suggestions. It can be a small gesture or a larger one: picking up a coffee for them, picking up their kids from an activity, doing an errand, sending a meal after the shiva is over that can be reheated, taking out the garbage. Be specific in your offers. Don’t make them have to think of what they need help with. This will help them, but it will also help you, as it takes the pressure off and will make you more comfortable in the discomfort. Be brave. This is the time to stand beside a person in your “village” who is hurting, not on the sidelines.
By Elisa Udaskin
Elisa Udaskin is the Founder and CEO of Caring Organizer, LLC www.caringorganizer.com is a free website with online tools to organize shiva meals and meals for someone who is ill. Elisa is an active member of the Morristown New Jersey Jewish community. She can be reached by email at [email protected]
