Dear Dr. Chani,

I have been dating someone for a while and we are so in sync that we sometimes even finish each other’s sentences. The guy — let’s call him Eitan — is fun to be around and I really enjoy going out with him. In many ways we are perfect for each other. Yet, as we have begun to move closer to getting engaged, we have had more conversations about each other’s families. This has brought up a lot of tension in our relationship, to the point that I am not sure if we can work things out.

Whenever we encounter a difference between our families’ ways of doing things or we discuss our perspective on our families’ cultures, it can be really difficult to have a conversation about it. I notice that we often end up taking the side of our own family and it is hard for each of us to see the other one’s point of view.

For example, Eitan’s mother is overprotective of her children and his father is too involved in work to be a great father. They seem to operate at two extreme approaches to parenting. My family is very different. My mother is the one who works to support our family and my father makes a small contribution to our family’s livelihood. All four of these models are not ones that either of us want to emulate in our future family. It is important to Eitan and me that we both work and that we are both involved with raising our children. We also agree that my role in the finances should become less significant during the stage in life when I will need to focus on being a mother.

While I am glad that we agree on our future plans, it is very difficult to actually talk about it. When I mention to Eitan that it is important to me that he set his schedule at work so that he can be home for supper, unlike his father, Eitan gets very defensive. The first time that Eitan reacted this way, it really shocked me. After all, Eitan even told me that he resents the way his father was so involved with work. Why is it that Eitan can tell me that he does not see his father as a role model but he gets upset when I am merely repeating what he told me about his father? Is he the only one who is entitled to discuss his father? It does not make sense to me.

The cycle is that if I bring up something about Eitan’s family that he is sensitive about — even though he himself complained to me about it before — Eitan gets upset and defensive. Then, he expects me to apologize. The problem is that nothing I say to apologize works and we remain distant from each other until it blows over. During that time, our conversations are very bland and unengaging. I am confused about what is happening and I do not want this pattern to continue into our marriage.

I am especially baffled because Eitan’s behavior is so different from the way he acts in our relationship overall. We usually understand each other and get along really well. I do not know why Eitan gets so shaken up by these conversations about his family. Can you explain to me what is going wrong and what I can do about it?

Thank you so much,

Confused

Dear Confused,

I can understand that you are concerned about Eitan’s tendency to emotionally withdraw from you when you speak negatively about his family, even after you apologize for it. It surprises you because you generally have a comfortable relationship with him. It is also especially unexpected because the things you describe to him seem to be thoughts that Eitan himself has shared with you.

There are two parts to your question. Firstly, you are wondering why conversations about family derail your relationship so much. Secondly, you are wondering why your apologies do not really work and the only way to recover from these conversations is to let them blow over. You feel like this dynamic makes no sense and it might be reflective of a deeper issue.

It might reassure you to know that Eitan’s tendency to get defensive when you are discussing his family, even if he has previously expressed similar ideas, is a common phenomenon. Although it sounds counterintuitive, a good rule to keep in mind is that Eitan can speak negatively about his family, but it may still bother him to hear you say it. This is because when he says something negative about his family, he feels that he has a right to speak about his own family. On the other hand, when you say something negative, it is perceived as criticism coming from an outsider. It, therefore, triggers a deep-seated sense of loyalty to his family. When you criticize Eitan’s parents, even if he agrees with your views, it still feels to him like you are attacking his identity and upbringing.

One way to look at it is that you are each taking on the role of being the ambassador of your own family. On a deep level, you each see it as your duty to advocate for, protect and champion your own families. This is why Eitan can be forthright and open with you about some of the things about his family culture that he finds less than ideal, but when you are the one to bring it up you trigger Eitan’s “defend my family” mode, and it is hard for him to hear what you are saying.

So how can you navigate this challenge and improve your communication about family issues? Over time, work on recognizing that, as a couple, you are developing your own family unit and you should approach each of your families as a team, rather than as your own family ambassadors. To help you get to that feeling, try not to criticize Eitan’s family. Follow the “Ask, don’t tell” strategy. When you would like to raise an issue about Eitan’s family to explain your position or to share your perspective, try to ask Eitan more questions about his family. Encourage Eitan to share his experiences and ask him to draw his own conclusions about how this should impact your approach as a couple.

For example, you can ask Eitan, “What was dinnertime like in your family when you were growing up?” and “What was your relationship like with your father?” “What would you like to do the same as your parents?” and “How would you like to do things differently than your parents?” These questions allow Eitan to reflect on his feelings about his family and encourage him to consider how his experiences can guide his approach to creating his own family.

The second part of your question about why your apologies do not work is also important to think about. One of the reasons why Eitan might not be inclined to accept your apology is that he does not feel like you are acknowledging what you did wrong in the first place. If you apologize for upsetting him while feeling like it makes no sense for him to be upset, he will sense this indignant vibe coming from you. He will perceive that you are not really aware of what is bothering him and why you should avoid doing it again in the future.

In previous situations, it sounds like you found it challenging to fully understand why Eitan was getting upset at you. In your letter, you readily admit that Eitan’s behavior leaves you feeling confused. It, therefore, makes sense that your dynamic has been that when you apologize, Eitan senses that you do not understand why he is upset and he is not satisfied with your apology.

In order for Eitan to accept your apology, try to empathize with Eitan about what is bothering him, regardless of whether you feel he was right or wrong. After thinking about it from Eitan’s perspective, you can then acknowledge that you understand why he was bothered and apologize for upsetting him. The chances are greater that Eitan will sense your empathy and accept your apology.

It sounds like you and Eitan have a strong foundation to build upon and you share common goals for your future. Developing your communication by asking more open-ended questions and empathizing with one another can help you navigate the relationship challenges you describe and strengthen your relationship. As you become more attuned to each other’s sensitivities and learn how to communicate about them, I hope that you will understand each other better and feel closer to one another.

Wishing you much success,

Chani

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Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist who has specialized in helping people build and enhance their relationships for over two decades. If you would like to improve your relationship with yourself, your loved ones or others in your life, reach out to her at chanimaybruch.com.