I found it so strange that I got a summons sent to me by the town. Apparently, you are not allowed to build an igloo and then take up residence in it. I explained to the overly helpful people on the zoning board that it is not a permanent structure, it does not take up the coverage of land percentage, that it does have running water (when the temperature goes above freezing) and my children actual all sleep in the house because the igloo is just for me! I conform to all safety standards; we have a fire extinguisher, a supply of flashlights in case we lose power because even in Teaneck non-permanent structures, without power, still have the ability to lose power.
But don’t worry, there are some neighbors that have installed generators for their igloos so I always have a place to crash, both literally and physically. The dimensions of the igloo met the inspector’s standards because I am able to move freely inside my igloo even with the lazy boy recliner and washing machine and dryer that my family insisted I take with me to the igloo. They are so thoughtful! The only problem that arises is that when the dryer is on, my adorable little home starts to melt, but then I can make iced tea with the dripping from the roof, so it is all good.
Every so often, I put on my muck lucks and travel back into the main house. I forage for some provisions and perhaps two gloves that match and then back to the igloo I go. No one really notices because well, because I am the mom and they must not need anything. And when they start yelling my name, I can’t hear them because the igloo, surprisingly, is sound proof. See, there are perks to living in one! I only get a little nervous when the sun comes out because then my house starts to shrink, or maybe I am just growing from all of the ice cream I can store in the igloo…another perk to living in a frozen home.
Has anyone else felt like this? I am hoping that by the time you read this column, my new home, though so nice to live in my own place, would have melted because it will be almost mid-March. Was the groundhog smoking crack? I think it is time to get a new rodent to determine the future of spring’s arrival or we are going to have a lot of dead groundhogs on our hands. This is absolutely ridiculous! As I am writing this, we are expecting the Great Purim Storm of 2015, and it has nothing to do with the amount of wacky mac that my family ate to break the fast. Are we getting two inches? six inches? eight inches? Lee Goldberg, what do you have for us? “Well, if the storm moves 30 miles to the west and the moon rises in the east, the chances of a precipitous event exceeds the GSP model by 5.1 degrees Celsius.” Thanks Lee, you have been a big help this winter and we appreciate it. I am anxiously awaiting the weather channel special on, “Why the greenhouse effect has made this winter the coldest ever.” Maybe Alaska moved closer to Hawaii? Is that even possible? Who knows…my brain froze about two months ago and it wasn’t working that great even then!
It has been quite the winter: Ice storms, almost blizzards, snow, sleet, hail, locusts, negative temperatures….the never ending cycle. Facebook conversations that start “will there or won’t there be school,” “will there or won’t there be a delayed opening.” How many phone calls will we be getting on our landlines and cell phones before 6:05 a.m.? Yup, it has been a fun winter. I still trek over to my track at Votee Park (yes, it is my track, I am Milton Votee) and survey the icy damage. I walk with caution, looking more like a penguin than a person, but if it keeps me from falling, vanity just goes out the window…as it usually does every day anyway.
Spring, oh where art thou oh spring? Please cometh soon before we all go cuckoo and I start getting fined for my illegal igloo!
Banji Ganchrow is a self-proclaimed writer who looks like a big blue monster in the fur coat her mother gave her because she doesn’t wear it anymore. The author is afraid to wear it outside of the house for fear of getting mistaken for an actual monster and being shot.
By Banji Latkin Ganchrow
