Most people crave and sometimes achieve the wonder and close­ness of a good marriage. And yet, in spite of that, we occasionally, if not frequently, get into an­noyance and difficulty when our partner is in a bad mood or says or does something that we find upsetting. As time goes on, we develop (or we came to the marriage with it) a subtle sense of anger at our spouse—or against men or women. In either case, it comes out from time to time with minor insults or jokes against our spouse. But, of course, we are just joking. Couples frequently go through that pattern throughout their marriage. But are we just jok­ing? How can someone think of something as a joke if it hurts the person who is supposed to be the most important person in our life?

I don’t know about you, but I come across this quite frequently. And even in couples that seem OK. Sometimes the person at the brunt of the joke smirks a bit, or looks away, or gives some minor indication that he or she is an­noyed, but then goes on as if nothing hap­pened. And everyone, certainly the offender, thinks it’s fine. But it’s not fine. It may not be a mortal blow, but it takes its toll in decreased marital satisfaction and some degree of un­happiness that often builds over time.

You may hear someone telling a story like the following: God created Adam. But Adam complained that life was boring – he has no-one to share it with. So God created Eve. Af­ter a while, God asked “so what do you think of Eve?” Adam responds “She’s SOOO beautiful.” God says “I made her beautiful so you would love her.” Adam immediately adds “But she’s so stupid!” To which God retorts, “I made her stu­pid so she will love you!”

Is that an insult to women? To men? To both? I’m not sure. But I am sure that if the joke is made by a man directed at his wife, particu­larly if it is part of a pattern of such comments, it is demeaning for the woman and very nega­tive for the marriage.

Humor is sometimes helpful, especially in getting through the sometimes difficult as­pects of life. But it is NEVER helpful, if it is used against a spouse. If you are annoyed about something, find a way to defuse the situation, let it go, and go on with your wonderful mar­riage. If you can’t, then carefully explain it to your spouse (without blaming), and discuss it and try to get past it. If you can’t, then maybe you could discuss it with a wise person or a Rav or, if necessary, a therapist. But NEVER use hu­mor (or any other means) against your partner. In the end you are using it against yourself.

By Rabbi Dr. Mordechai Glick