Last week I was privileged to spend two days at Yeshiva University’s annual Rebbetzins Yarchei Kallah along with 100 educated, accomplished and passionate women. We attended sessions presented by those with PhDs, educators, psychologists, rabbis and leading experts in a wide array of fields. This group of women is a unique group, one I am proud to be a part of, bound by a connection and camaraderie, and one that comes because of their husbands’ jobs.
The title of “rebbetzin” is a strange one. It defines a position that is attained only by marrying a rabbi. There aren’t many roles that are defined by a woman’s husband’s job (Kate Middleton, Meghan Markle, and Melania Trump?). The position is unpaid and has no professional schooling to prepare for the role. It has no defined parameters, and each community will have different expectations for its rebbetzin.
The Yarchei Kallah addressed the many challenges that have come along with our shared roles of being married to a pulpit rabbi. There were sessions on “Balancing the Needs of your Kehilah With Those of Your Family” and “Our Kids in the Fishbowl.” There were shiurim that fed our own need for spiritual inspiration as well as shiurim to help inspire the women in our communities. There were sessions on mental health issues, addiction, eating disorders, infertility, how to improve and enhance kallah classes, and how to help people navigate marital issues that may arise. It was also an enjoyable opportunity to listen and learn about the creative programming that is being done in other communities.
In addition to the robust programming, it is particularly meaningful to connect with such a unique and amazing group of women. Among them are educators, lawyers, MDs, PhDs, engineers, psychologists, health professionals and researchers. Many of us are busy mothers, striving to balance our jobs with our families and responsibilities to our shuls. Some have grown children and have been in their roles for over a generation. Women traveled from all over the United States and Canada, from large Orthodox communities bursting at the seams to fledgling communities where their kehilah hosts the only minyan in town. Even on secular campuses, JLIC rabbis and rebbetzins are reaching out to our kids.
Despite the diversity in our group, we share similar challenges and opportunities in our lives. There is so much common ground, and the conference certainly covered some of the more salient points. Because the needs of the community can be breathtaking, self-care for ourselves and our families was emphasized. It was an important relief to be reminded that our families’ needs come before anyone else’s, similar to the common instructions on airplanes to don your oxygen mask first. This is a necessary reminder for all of us in this high-energy and over-scheduled lives we lead. Yes, there will be times we’ll miss a simcha, shiva or an important phone call. Perhaps we won’t have time to speak to someone at a kiddush or in the supermarket as we juggle a crying child, but it’s important to accept our own limitations.
I don’t think it was my childhood dream to become a rebbetzin, but I have come to view my position as both a privilege and opportunity. Since we moved to Teaneck and joined the wonderful Bnai Yeshurun family, and the greater Bergen County community, we have had countless life-changing and positive opportunities and experiences. As our family has, baruch Hashem, grown, we have connected with families in joyous times, shared in births, bar and bat mitzvahs, and weddings. We have mourned with our congregants, crying alongside them through their losses. We have worked together with families navigating through crises in their marriages, with children, parents, or illness. We have developed relationships with hundreds of families through Shabbos meals and spending time with them and their children. I have studied the laws of taharas hamishpacha with countless kallahs (Jewish brides) and tried to impart to them Torah values and skills to begin their journeys. My husband and I value these relationships that continue with the young couples after they are married. I have been blessed to give classes to bat mitzvah girls and to learn with women at many stages in their lives. These experiences, and many more, have defined my view of my role as a rebbetzin.
While I didn’t apply for this role, I have come to cherish it and the opportunities it has given me and my family. We are able to be involved with chesed, helping others, each and every day. We are privileged to connect with so many people and their families at our Shabbos table. We try to model the mitzvah of hachnasat orchim, chesed and appreciating all the blessings in our lives. We have learned to empathize, laugh, cry, rejoice, mourn and hold hands with our congregants. I am proud to support my husband in his avodat hakodesh (holy work) and proud of my active role, by association with him, that I have grown to embrace. I am grateful for the wonderful community that I live in for making this role so easy, rewarding and special and look forward to sharing so many more simchas with our extended communal family.
By Rebbetzin Michal Zahtz
