OK, so you made it to the vort of your friend or your neighbor or your neighbor’s friend, or whatever! In no small part thanks to last week’s article! Not to brag.

But now what? As we pointed out last week, most simcha-prep articles are written for the baalei simcha, and that’s a huge oversight, because I don’t know if the writers know this, but the vast majority of the people at any given vort are going to be guests. Unless it’s a really big family.

What Do I Say Once I’m There?

It depends who you are. Basic etiquette rules say that when the kallah’s friends see her, they have to shriek. Like they did not expect to see the kallah at her own vort.

If you’re a man, you have to do a special mazel-tov handshake, wherein you lean in and hug while you’re shaking hands. Unless the other person doesn’t know about it, in which case it’s a very awkward hug.

After that, you can make conversation:

Unacceptable Topics of Conversation—An actual vort.—“So who brought which present?”—How you were at the chosson’s bris.

Acceptable topics of conversation—Where the couple is going to live.—Who will be making which sheva brachos.—Trying to get in on a gift that someone else brought.

You can also talk to people about what an amazing shidduch this is, and how you had a feeling, but you weren’t going to say anything.

One fun topic of conversation is to explain to the baal simcha how you know the other side, and everyone will go, “Oh, that’s so cute!” Because “cute” is an adjective that describes this situation.

“Oh my goodness! His great-aunt was my madricha!”

“That’s so cute!”

It’s not that cute. She works in a school, so she was probably a madricha for thousands of girls. It’s not like the two of you were stuck on a desert island together for seven years.

“Oh my goodness! We were stuck on a desert island together for seven years!”

“That’s so cute! I know him from prison!”

What If I’m Antisocial?

If you’re antisocial, you should bring a sefer and sit in the corner. If you’re a woman and you’re antisocial, you can just not come. Husbands are a lot more willing to just say, “My wife wanted to be here, but she’s not feeling well,” than wives are.

And you definitely have no interest in finding the one person you know and then glomming onto them the entire evening. But it’s guaranteed that you’re going to run into people you know whom you had no idea that the chosson and kallah even knew. Then you have a built-in topic of conversation. (“How do you know him?” “How do YOU know him?” “I asked you first.”) This conversation will keep you engaged for, at the very least, like two minutes. You can even stretch the conversation if you want.

“He’s my sister-in-law’s brother-in-law.”

“Which sister-in-law? Your brother’s wife, or your wife’s sister?”

“My wife’s brother’s wife, actually.”

“Fascinating. And what kind of brother-in-law is he to her?”

Should I Eat Before I Go, or Should I See What They Have and Maybe Eat When I Get Home?

Eating at vorts can be fun, in that you never know what kind of food to expect. Like if there’s hot food, you’re pleasantly surprised. You never go to a chasunah and are like, “Hey, there’s hot food here! I am pleasantly surprised!”

A vort is basically like, “What if we just did the buffet part of the chasunah, and then everyone got to go home?” Which is the best kind of chasunah. Not for the chosson and kallah, but for everyone else.

Wait, I Have to Dance, Too?

At some point, somebody’s going to break into song and start dancing, and you can join in, especially if you don’t want to schmooze with people. Because unlike a chasunah dance, instead of it going on forever and constantly having to claw your way back into the circle, you just have to dance in one circle for a few minutes and wonder if all that stomping is going to make the living room fall into the basement. Nobody builds a living room and says, “I want it to be possible for 30 men to do that dance where they keep stomping their feet in the middle of a neat circle.”

Once the dancing ends, you want to try to leave before someone starts it up again.

OK, I’m Leaving. Where’s My Wife?

Before you leave, you want to say, “Mazel tov” again, even though you said, “Mazel tov” coming in. In case they forgot.

Your coat will be in the back room in a pile. Assuming everyone leaves in the same basic order in which they showed up, every single person’s coat will be at the bottom of this pile.

In Summary

Basically, a vort is pretty much uncharted territory, because there are no vorts in Tanach, as far as I know. The Gemara does talk about something called eirusin, but that was a very different thing. It seems like that was more of a private affair, where the guy was always trying to get away with something. If you read Maseches Kiddushin, it looks like men back then went out of their way to save money on this step. The whole first perek of Kiddushin is like, “What if I give her something worth less than a perutah?” “What if I just propose to her with a loan?” And then the guests get to go to the eirusin party and have to hear the story of how he proposed.

“So how did he propose?”

“Well, I owed him money, and he said, “How about instead of paying me back, you just keep the money, and then we’ll be married!” And I was like, “Aww…”

“Wow, that’s so cute! Let me see the ring!”

“It’s actually a rubber band.”

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He has also published eight books and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].