This week’s topic, which is really not funny, is: TEACHING YOUR CHILD TO DRIVE: A CRASH COURSE

I actually started talking about this last week, and last week’s tips boiled down to: Try to push off the actual driving for as long as possible. For example, I pushed off all the actual driving tips to this week’s article. But eventually, you have to buckle down and do it or else your editors will start losing patience.

“What inspired this article?” you ask. Well, one of my sons recently got his permit. And yes, I have a daughter older than him. And yes, the day after he got his permit, she was complaining that I’d already been driving more with my son than I had with her in total, and she already has her license. But that brings me to:

Step 7. The Parents Need to Get Used to This, Too. Starting in empty parking lots is not just about your child getting used to being behind the wheel. You have to get used to heavy-duty navigating from the passenger’s seat. My wife was the one who started with my daughter, and after a bunch of lessons, when my daughter was basically ready for streets with actual moving cars on them, my wife said, “This is really stressful. You can go with Tatty sometimes.” And Tatty said, “She might be ready for streets, but I’m not.” I needed some empty-parking-lot time first.

Basically, as a parent, this whole experience is like every bad dream that you’ve ever had. We adults have a recurring dream—which starts when our child is 2—where our kid is driving and we have no idea how they got there and we’re in the back seat and the car is moving and we’re trying to climb over the seats to stop the car but our feet are stuck.

Sure, the kids say what they can to get the parents on board.

“We can drive places for you!” my kids say. It’s like having a free driver!”

Just like in the dream!

So #1, I don’t need to pay all that extra insurance every month for an inexperienced driver I would never hire if they were not my child. And #2, I know that normally, when I tell them to walk something down the block for me, they give me a whole argument. But now they’re going to drive around town for me?

Step 8. Make Sure Your Child Knows About the Pedals—Make sure your child is aware the first time they get behind the wheel of the car—because this is not in the driver’s manual—that if you have no foot on either pedal, the car is going to move anyway. I did not know this the first time I got into the car. I was going based on my experience in both bumper cars and go karts, neither of which move at all unless you absolutely floor it. My father was like, “Stop the car! Why are you flooring it?!”—Another thing you want to do immediately is build an awareness in your child that he or she is in the driver’s seat. The first time I drove, I sometimes found myself wondering why the car wasn’t stopping, and my father would yell, “Stop!” And I was like, “Right! Me.”

Step 9. Be Careful What You Say and How You Say It—For example, only ever use the word “right” when you mean the direction. If they’re right about something, say “correct.” This will weird them out, but it’s for everyone’s safety.

Step 10. Get Whatever You Can Done in the Empty Parking Lot—For example, you want to make sure your child obeys all stop signs, stays in their lane, and signals before turning—none of which are things you would do if you were driving in an empty parking lot.

Step 11. Get Kicked Out of the Parking Lot—At least that’s how we did it.—See, the problem with an empty parking lot is that a parking lot is private property, and you can be asked to leave. It’s not owners of parking lots who are telling you to use parking lots; it’s people you know.—Ideally, even if you get a decent amount of time in an empty lot, you will want to move on to a lot full of cars that are at least stationary. Your best option is a car dealership.

Step 12. Transition to Actual Roads—Unfortunately, roads are where all the other drivers are. And that makes me nervous, for example, because statistics show that most accidents are actually caused by other drivers.—One great place to transition to before actual roads is cemeteries. There’s one in every city, it’s all narrow roads with lots of quiet intersections, slow driving is encouraged, and there’s no one you can hurt.

Step 13. Give Them Real-World Experience—The next step is to have your child drive you on errands. And they say, “See? Errands!”—To and from shul is also a great way to practice. For the past few days, I’ve had my son drive me to Mincha-Maariv, under the logic that holchei mitzvah einan nizakin. I daven more in the car than when I get there.—If you want your child to get real real-world practice, have them drive carpool. Have them creep along at zero miles an hour two inches at a time with pedestrians running everywhere, and then they can drive circles around town with no rear visibility because all the tallest kids like sitting in the middle seats. With their dioramas.

Step 14. Other Things You Need to Teach—You have to teach your child not to worry about impatient cars behind you. Those cars’ main concern is not whether you get to your destination safely.—Your child will also have to learn that every time he or she passes a parked car on the side of the road, you will lean toward them and go, “RRRRRRHH!”

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He has also published eight books and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].