Is your old bed a big, lumpy mess?
Are you tossing and turning all night long?
Is your mattress sagging in the middle?
Call SHLUFYS and we’ll set you up right.
SHLUFYS is the bed company that cares.
We have beds from the smallest to the largest, to fit any space.
Call 1-800-GEY-SHLUF.
Or visit one of our convenient showrooms.
SHLUFYS. Call now. Operators are standing by.
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For only King Og of the Bashan was left of the remaining giants. His bed was an iron bed, kept at Rabban with the children of Ammon—9 cubits was its length and 4 cubits its width, by the cubit measured of man.
Devarim: 3:11
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They had been sleeping on their old mattresses since they got married, 22 years ago. The mattresses had survived their moves from Brooklyn to Queens to Elizabeth, and finally to Highland Park. But now the time had come to part ways with their old bed and their dilapidated twin mattresses. They had had it. Besides, now that Ozzie and Penina were finally building their dream home, complete with a large master suite, they wanted something more elegant, something bigger. They wanted their beds to make a statement. They had arrived.
“Hello. And welcome to SHLUFYS. I’m Jack, and you are…”
“I’m Ozzie, and this is my wife, Penina. We’re the Schwartzes.
“Hi, Ozzie and Penina.”
Jack had one of those crushing handshakes that only salesmen and politicians can muster. He went easier on Penina’s hand.
“How can I be of assistance?”
“We need new beds.”
“O.K. You have definitely come to the right place. SHLUFYS has the best selection in all of the tri-state area. Like our slogan says: Our selection is ‘shlufercalifragilistic.’ What exactly are you looking for?”
“We’re looking for something big. Really big,” Ozzie said.
“And firm,” Penina added.
“Yes, firm. But big.”
“O.K., then. Do you want queen size or king size?”
“At least. What do you have?”
Jack started leading them around the showroom. “We have our standard queen size. That’s 80 inches by 60 inches. A lot of couples are happy with that.”
“That looks nice,” Penina said.
“What do you have that’s bigger?” Ozzie inquired.
“Glad you asked. We have our king-size beds. That’s 76 by 80 inches. It’s our top-of-the-line.”
“That also sounds nice,” Penina offered.
“Whatcha got in king size?” Ozzie asked.
“We have our Serenity Now bed. It’s one of our most popular models. Why don’t you give it a try?”
Ozzie sat on the mattress, but it just didn’t do it for him.
“What else?”
“We have our Opus bed,” Jack said, gesturing to a sturdy-looking maple model with a large, solid headboard to his right. “There’s the Waldorf, the Poseidon and the Olympus,” Jack added, pointing to various large beds in the Schwartzes’ vicinity.
“Not enough,” Ozzie said. “I need something really impressive.”
Jack looked both ways to make sure no one was listening, and then whispered to the Schwartzes in a conspiratorial tone. “If those don’t meet your needs, there’s only one thing left. I don’t show these to just anyone, but you seem like nice people, and I think it’s what you’re looking for.” Jack walked them over to the back corner of the showroom and opened a side door into another display area.
“These are our really big boys. This model is called the California King. It’s 72 by 84 inches. To put it plainly, that’s as big as beds get. They’re usually only found in our West Coast stores, but to satisfy some of our larger customers on the Atlantic Seaboard, we stock some here, too.”
“Thank you for your trouble,” Penina said, a bit embarrassed.
“We have the Vesuvius,” Jack said, pointing to a vast, iron-railed edifice that looked like it could comfortably fit a family of five to sleep for the night. “We’ve moved a few of these in the past few months.”
“Now you’re talking,” Ozzie said. “Anything else?”
“There’s the Titanic,” Jack said, indicating a four-poster bed that looked like a fluffy, oversized S.U.V. “And the Great White is also a popular model,” he said, gesturing toward a pillow-laden model that resembled nothing as much as a swimming pool filled with large bubbles.
Ozzie and Penina jumped onto the Great White, losing themselves in the sea of pillows. Penina started to laugh, and Ozzie joined in. Even Jack had to chuckle.
Ozzie sat up and propped himself on his arms. “It’s really nice. But somehow I get this feeling that there must be something more.”
“To be honest with you,” Jack said, “I’ve only seen one bed larger than this, ever.”
“I must see it,” Ozzie said.
“Are you serious about this?”
“Very serious.”
“Are you in this for the long haul?”
“We’re in it for keeps,” Ozzie said.
Penina nodded in affirmation.
“O.K.,” Jack said. “This is it. The big time. The last stop.”
Jack escorted the Schwartzes down a long hallway to a closed door far from the showroom. He slid his SHLUFYS ID card through a security scanner, and a door unlocked behind him. He opened the door and allowed Ozzie and Penina to enter.
Inside the room was the largest bed either of them had ever beheld. It was made of solid wrought iron and rose 4 feet off the ground. Its dimensions were monstrous. It looked like a prop for a production of Jack and the Beanstalk.
“Holy cow,” Ozzie said. “It’s the most giant bed I’ve ever seen.”
“Actually, it is a giant’s bed,” Jack said.
“It must be 10 feet long.”
“To be exact,” Jack said, “it’s 13 ½ feet by 6 feet.*”
“What is it?” Penina asked.
“It’s Og’s bed.”
“What’s bed?” Ozzie asked.
“Not what’s bed, whose bed. This is a model of the bed of Og the King of Bashan. He was the last of the Refa’im, the giants of Biblical times, and he was defeated by the Israelites in their wars before entering the Holy Land. The bed is described by Moses in the book of Devarim.”
“It’s incredible. Is this the only one like it?” Ozzie asked.
“Well, the original bed of Og was taken by the ancient Amorites and displayed in Rabban, their capital city. Some say it remained in various museums until the fall of the Babylonian Empire around 550 B.C.E., when it was lost. This version that you’re seeing here was designed by SHLUFYS for a Biblical museum somewhere in the Midwest. The museum bought a copy, but this is Mr. Shlufy’s original.”
“Mister Shlufy?”
“The owner of the chain,” Jack explained.
“Is his name really Mr. Shlufy?” Penina asked.
“No, it’s Feldstein. But he likes us to call him Mr. Shlufy.”
“This is truly the king of all beds,” Ozzie said. “I’ll take it. Just name your price.”
“Oh, it’s not for sale,” Jack explained. “Mr. Shlufy only made it so that he could feel a special connection to the Torah. He felt that as a bed entrepreneur, the pasuk about Og’s bed spoke to him more than any other in the entire Bible. He would never sell this baby.”
“Would he make another?”
“Out of the question,” Jack stated emphatically. “Besides, do you realize how hard it would be to find bedding for this thing?”
“Interesting point,” Ozzie agreed.
“I only showed you Og’s bed because I thought you’d appreciate it,” Jack said.
“Well, thank you, Jack. We appreciate it very much.”
“So, then, what will it be, Mr. and Mrs. Schwartz?”
Ozzie and Penina conferred briefly and then turned to Jack. “We’ll take the Vesuvius,” Penina said.
“A fine choice,” Jack said. “Would you like that gift wrapped?”
Ozzie turned to Penina. “He’s kidding, right?”
Penina looked her husband in the eye. “Ozzie, in a world where people buy giant beds, anything is possible.”
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*As per the Rambam’s interpretation of the exact measurement of an amah from the Moreh Nevuchim.
