Picture that scene at the end of a book or movie where the protagonist makes the bold choice to abandon the path or romantic interest set before him or her. The reasoning? “I need to find myself first.” And there’s often a swell of music and a smile of understanding, as if this explains it all, and acts as a way of tying a neat bow.
I think that in reality, the idea of finding ourselves is somewhat of a trap. Now, as always, let’s remember that any ideas I posit should be read in a way that challenges extremes: this is not to say that this type of thinking is always a trap. So many individuals who were on one particular path in life, or perhaps followed the path laid out before them, may need to pause and reevaluate choices to determine who they are. So many great founders of psychology indicated stages of development which included individuation or taking the steps to find oneself.
But as a blanket statement, I think this mindset is just too limiting. And perhaps even confusing.
First we must understand what does it mean to search for oneself? The idea alone denotes a sense of not having a true understanding and needing to take time for some type of journey.
Unfortunately, in our fast-paced lives, it can be difficult to put life on hold for this type of endeavor. Of course, if the person plans to pause from dating, perhaps, or has a specific plan to return to school or even begin reaching out for help, then of course this makes sense. But my issue is when people throw around the phrase of searching for oneself as if there is an end goal and as if the answer will yield some type of definitive inner peace.
Because you see, dear reader, we are all always on a journey. Self-discovery is not a process with an end date. We do not cease evolving as we live, learning more about ourselves, relationships, interests, etc. And to believe this is the case or to pass along this message often causes people to feel a sense of failure or lacking; “Other people seem to figure it out, why do I still feel like I’m in a state of ‘figuring?’”
Knowing who we are is about being able to listen to the inner voice and answer the question of “What do I want?” What we want and what may be accessible to us can be two very different ideas. And yet, the first step of identifying what we, as individuals, want can actually allow for increased self-esteem. Of course we have mentors, leaders and family members who can give us guidance. Still, being able to sit with just our own thoughts in the recognition of identifying what we want — and why — leads the way to increased self-awareness and confidence. Because then we’re not simply living based on a standard or taking the easy route, we’re actually connecting with what will help us to grow.
Figuring out who we are is less about solving a problem and more about coming back to our roots and core: What are my values? What feels important to me? What do I strive for?
Values are such an essential aspect of our lives and I integrate them regularly in my work with clients, encouraging people to make a list of core values and check in about how these values are showing up in their lives, what they might like to do differently and goals to set around these values.
When people feel unsure of values or their own hopes or goals they may rely on external factors to feel good. Cue the connection between self-worth and appearance or accomplishments or accolades. I always encourage individuals to connect with what makes them feel good and when the answers revolve around external factors or an achievement that is not guaranteed (grades, performance in sports, etc.) then I pause and ask them to think instead about what feels important to them and who they are. I refer to statements like, “I’m kind” or “I’m curious” or “I enjoy spending time with my friends.”
I’m not denying that we live in a culture that values accomplishments. I am, though, encouraging you to know more about yourself by turning your searches inward, remembering that you likely know so much more about yourself than you realize, and to recognize that we are always evolving. You don’t need to proclaim your intention to find yourself, walking off into the sunset as the credits roll. Live curiously and connect with that inner voice I know is already inside you.
Temimah Zucker, LCSW, works in New York and New Jersey with individuals ages 18 and older who are struggling with mental health concerns, and specializes in working with those looking to heal their relationships between their bodies and souls. Zucker is an advocate and public speaker concerning eating disorder awareness and a metro New York consultant at Monte Nido. Zucker is honored to now serve on the board of Atzmi. To learn more or to reach her, visit www.temimah.com.
