I think the biggest issue with the Nobel Prizes is that it’s all for things that nobody understands.
For example, this year, the Physics Prize went to three scientists “for experiments with entangled photons, establishing the violation of Bell inequalities and pioneering quantum information science.” I have no idea what that means, other than that they violated some laws and haven’t accomplished anything yet.
And they won!
Whereas the Ig Nobel Prizes are for things that you and I can appreciate. And that’s why I write about them every year.
Yes, the Nobel Prize winners get a solid gold medal, a piece of paper in case they want to sell the medal, and 10 million Swedish Krona. That’s almost a million dollars total. And they’re flown in to accept their prizes.
Whereas with the Ig Nobel prizes (an equally real ceremony), winners get a trophy that they have to 3D print themselves and $10 trillion in Zimbabwe currency, which when translated to US dollars, comes out to about 4 bucks. And they have to fly themselves in.
A lot of years I make fun of the Ig Nobels for being useless and having no practical ramifications. This year, though, a lot of it is scientists coming to conclusions that have immediate practical ramifications and basically confirm our suspicions about things, and we’re like, “Yeah! I kind of knew that already! I should get the 4 bucks!” And then we feel smart too.
Nobody is looking at this year’s Nobel Prize and saying, “Yeah, I kind of figured! Entangled Photons! I hate when that happens!”
For example, the Ig Nobels Physics Prize this year went to two groups of researchers “for trying to understand how ducklings manage to swim in formation.”
If you’ve ever seen a mother duck swimming with her babies, they all swim in a row, with the mother duck in front, and she doesn’t even look back; she just knows they’re behind her. Try that with your kids on the sidewalk.
So the hypothesis put forth by Pennsylvania Biologist Frank Fish, who is a human, is that it’s because of air currents. The ducklings are barely putting any effort into swimming. The mother duck is cutting through the air, creating a low-pressure area behind her that can get filled in by ducks or random driftwood or anything else that happens to get caught in the flow. You could probably throw a rubber duckie back there and it will just follow along behind.
Point is, now there’s a technique for swimming faster and with less effort! Just find a strong swimmer and coast behind them. Provided this swimmer is considerably larger than you. This should go pretty smoothly for you until they get to a wall.
And speaking of effort, the Engineering Prize this year went to several scientists in Japan, “for trying to discover the most efficient way for people to use their fingers while turning a knob.”
I think the most efficient way to use your fingers when turning a knob is to not think about it. Because every time in life that you think about what you should be doing with your hands, you draw a blank.
The conclusion they arrived at was that, quote, “the bigger the knob, the more fingers are required to turn it.” And while we’re being obvious, they also found that in America, people turn the knobs on their car heaters with their right hand, while in England they do it with their left hand. But then the passenger uses the other hand. The researchers don’t know why this is. But they want to use the prize money to figure it out.
And speaking of engineering, the Safety Engineering Prize this year went to Magnus Gens of Sweden, “for developing a moose crash-test dummy.”
I read this one to my wife, and she wanted to know: “Is this for a moose inside the car or outside the car?”
It’s definitely outside the car. Apparently, there’s an issue in Sweden with people getting into accidents with mooses. Moosen. Meese? More than one moose.
Basically, the idea is to help auto manufacturers create a car that could survive contact with a moose. So first they had to create a fake moose that could survive contact with a car. That’s step one. And they did that. Now they just have to make a car out of the same material as the fake moose.
And finally, the prize for Economics this year went to Alessandro Pluchino of Italy, among others, “for explaining, mathematically, why success most often goes not to the most talented people, but instead to the luckiest.”
Call it what you will, but everyone knows someone who is way richer than they are but who is definitely not more intelligent.
“Why does success go to the luckiest people?” they ask.
I’ll tell you why: Because no matter what you are, once you have success, you’re lucky. Unless they’re saying that these people were lucky even before that, like the five kids who go to Avos Ubanim every week and win the raffle.
Anyway, according to the math, rich people make millions more per year than the average person, but they don’t work millions of hours a year more than the average person.
And you’re saying, “Yeah, but over the course of the year they probably do…”
Over the course of the year, there are fewer than 9,000 hours.
They also say that let’s say the average salary is $100,000 a year. But some people make a million. Whereas the average IQ is 100, and nobody has an IQ of 1,000. Definitely not the people who make millions.
The researchers suggest that this unusual distribution is caused by “a hidden ingredient at work behind the scenes.”
Wow, they were so close. It looks like science has almost discovered the concept of Siyata Dishmaya. By random accident, they would call it. They just lucked into it.
But that’s what we would call it. Basically, Hashem says, “Either you can be good at your job, or you can make a lot of money. Which do you pick?” And we’re like, “Well, if I’m good at my job, I’ll make a lot of money, right?” And Hashem says, “Yeah; im yirtzeh Hashem.”
Maybe you’ll get 4 bucks and a trophy that you have to print yourself.
Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He has also published eight books and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].
