I can’t tell you how many people have told me over the last year or so how disappointed they’ve been by the lack of support from people outside the Jewish community. A large portion of these individuals have also shared that, ultimately, they were told that friends wanted to say something after Oct. 7 but that they simply did not know what to say.

How many times do we hear about a struggle or diagnosis of someone we know and say nothing? The challenge or fear often lies in worrying about saying the wrong thing, and so we freeze. On the flipside, some individuals — with wonderful intention — speak up but end up offering comments or feedback that feel unsupportive or careless. So what do we do?

I’ve written before about what it means to offer support and this topic warrants revisiting. Because we tend to get tied up in what feels comfortable or regular and often we do not take the time to pause and reflect on how we might be able to grow.

There are multiple ways support can be offered, whether or not there is an understanding of what the other person is experiencing. At the start of graduate school for social work we spent many months reviewing the concept of empathy. I remember wondering why the syllabus was so absorbed with this concept, but later came to recognize how tricky it can be. We all experience the world by projecting our own experiences and understandings, which can lead to wonderful support as well as to bitter judgment.

I was taught that when working with a client, it was about how to connect in the room based on empathy, but also not over-relate. Over-relating can look like someone losing his home in a hurricane and a friend saying that she “totally gets it” because once her basement flooded. It’s how she relates to the situation, and perhaps that flood was devastating, but it’s also missing the intention of supporting her friend. Empathy is a delicate art and we want to be able to sit with, connect or help the person feel seen in the way that person needs and not based on how we experience support ourselves. Think of love languages: if I appreciate words of affirmation and therefore give this to others I may completely miss knowing that my friend actually responds best to acts of service.

The questions that tend to come up are what support can look like and how to know what to give?

The most common types of support include: listening, relating, problem-solving, distracting and advice giving. I recall seeing a reel on social media that included a husband describing the way — when his wife has a difficult day — he asks her if she needs him to listen or problem solve and how this completely shifted their experiences and led to far fewer conflicts. And I remember thinking that “this guy gets it.” We need to start by asking. Sometimes it can feel clumsy to ask someone, when witnessing distress, what that person would like in the moment. But this can yield far more support than trying to assume. So many times people try to fix it or immediately jump into alternatives. Or some people just offer an, “Oof, that sounds rough.” and move on. Both can be exactly what someone needs or the exact opposite of what is helpful. So ask! Especially because this can change every time; no one person needs or wants the same time of support each time he or she has a difficult day.

Within each of the types of support listed above there is also a need for connection: put down your phone and give the person the attention that is needed. And then ask, “What type of support would be helpful from me right now?” It is fully possible the person doesn’t know. But you now have a pretty robust list and can offer any of the ideas listed above. Some people crave hearing how you got through a similar situation while others may not wish to hear this, since 50 people going through the same challenge are still all different individuals with varying backgrounds and feelings.

Don’t pretend you understand, I can almost guarantee you that you don’t. You may empathize, you may relate, you may have gone through the same situation. But you are not the same. So offer what you can and ask what would be helpful. Instead of saying, “Is there any way I can help?” replace this with, “What can I do to help?” And don’t forget to ask these same questions of yourself; what type of support do you need? What can others do to help you when you are in need?

So much of the time challenges are compounded by loneliness. So whether it’s offering physical space to simply be with the person or identifying a plan to solve an issue, do what you can to help by including the other person in your support. The more we are able to see each, the more we will be able to heal.

Temimah Zucker, LCSW, works in New York and New Jersey with individuals ages 18 and older who are struggling with mental health concerns, and she specializes in working with those looking to heal their relationships between their bodies and souls. Zucker is an advocate and public speaker concerning eating disorder awareness and a metro New York consultant at Monte Nido. She is honored to now serve on the board of Atzmi. To learn more or to reach her, visit www.temimah.com.