Every secular new year people yearn for self-improvement and success. Some people have ambitions to become better fathers, husbands or students; some have ambitions to lose weight or quit smoking; others have ambitions to improve their work performance or religious commitments. Noted psychiatrist Viktor Frankl suggested that human beings have an inborn desire to improve themselves. Having New Year’s resolutions may be a part of our DNA.
Yet time and time again this optimism gets washed away by Tu B’Shevat. The smokers once gung-ho about quitting smoking encounter withdrawal symptoms and throw in the towel. The people once gung-ho about losing weight find the logistics of cooking and eating in a healthy way too burdensome. Folks once gung-ho about hitting the gym lose motivation to leave their home in the dark mornings and nights of winter. All the talk of “new year, new me” goes by the wayside for many around February.
Social science researchers have studied why talking about making life changes does not always lead people to make those changes. Rather than contribute another guess to explain this phenomenon, my goal is to propose a tangible route to help members of our community turn their talk about change into actual action. This solution has been around for the last century and has become known as psychotherapy, or therapy for short.
Over the years various barriers have deterred people from entering therapy. Until the 21st century, therapy was associated with tremendous stigma in mainstream Western society, whose culture deemed therapy a place for someone who was extremely troubled. It deemed couples therapy a place for a romantic relationship on its last legs before divorce. Back then someone enrolled in therapy would keep this activity secret to evade shame or embarrassment.
Today, however, therapy represents a socially acceptable and even noble pursuit towards personal growth in most religious and secular circles. Many men and women with jobs and families have regular weekly therapy sessions. Teenagers on sports teams and in the honors classes set aside time for weekly therapy sessions. To a certain degree the tide has turned, and the stigma of therapy has vanished. Yet so many people from our community and in the United States in general choose not to attend therapy.
In a book titled “The Road Less Traveled,” Dr. Scott Peck, MD offers another reason people avoid therapy: “The act of entering psychotherapy requires more courage than any other pursuit. Acknowledging there is some habit or attitude of yours that needs to be changed means there’s something wrong with how your life’s going and how you’re going about it. Talking about your flaws and imperfections generates increased awareness towards your problems. And once some of your problems or vulnerabilities become apparent it leads you to notice and observe more and more of your problems and vulnerabilities, the problems you would prefer to remain below your level of awareness.” In this observation Peck suggests that the reason people refrain from therapy is to avoid becoming aware of their problems, challenges and imperfections. To these folks, ignorance is bliss.
Often, people would rather discuss someone else’s problems and struggles than bring attention to their own. It can be easier at the Shabbat table to discuss political issues or community flaws than talk about what we individually need to work on. The Chofetz Chaim once said that if someone says lashon hara, they are also committing the sin of being arrogant. Because if you were really in touch with yourself and really knew your own struggles and imperfections, you would never say anything bad about someone else or highlight another’s flaws or struggles.
Increased awareness of our vulnerabilities and problems also guides us to understand our struggles and learn to manage them. This represents therapy’s No. 1 goal: To help a patient learn the skills necessary to manage stressful thoughts and feelings when they arise and continue to live their life. To help a patient become equipped to manage their intrusive thoughts and continue to be there for family and others. To help a patient manage intense feelings of sadness and continue to live in accordance with their values.
Therapy does not represent a place where all problems and issues get solved. Odds are that people worried about getting married will continue to have worries about getting married. People worried about social encounters will still have discomfort in social situations. Rather, therapy represents a space for people to learn how to manage these problems when they arise and deal with them in a healthy manner.
Therapy also represents a space for patients to gain clarity about what matters to them and unlock increased motivation to live in accordance with those values. A popular type of therapy called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy has five starter questions for patients: What are the things most important to you? What is getting in the way of you doing those things that are important to you? What have you tried so far? How has that tactic been working? If it’s not working, would you be willing to try something else?
All successful therapy patients agree the process has many obstacles. However, the same patients will also relay the immense benefits therapy has brought them. If you are looking to make big changes this year but don’t know where to start, consider therapy.
By Yosef Silfen and Rabbi Neil Fleischman
As a current provider and former patient of therapy, author Yosef Silfen has seen the tremendous impact of therapy from both sides. He considers it an honor and privilege to help patients reach their goals one session at a time.
Special thanks goes out to Silfen’s former clinical supervisor, Dr. Randi Dublin; current clinical supervisor, Dr. Yedidya Levy; professional mentor and lab adviser, Dr. Faye Walkenfeld; and current director of clinical training, Dr. DJ Moran, for their invaluable mentorship and guidance to bolster his growth and development as a psychologist in training.
