For some reason, every time I write an article about annoying expressions, a lot of people write in. Which I guess means that this is a topic that people feel strongly about, and also that my readers know a lot of annoying people.

The question is: Why are these expressions so annoying? I guess it depends on the expression:

1. Some leave you with weird mental pictures for no real reason.

For example, take the expression, “a wolf in sheep’s clothing.”

That’s a weird mental picture. Who puts clothing on a sheep? Don’t they already have wool?

But okay, what it really means, I hope, is “a wolf in a sheep costume.” But why are the wolves dressing up as sheep? Is this how wolves steal sheep? Why do they need to infiltrate the group before stealing one? Isn’t that like trying to rob a bank by dressing up as money?

Or sometimes people get serious and say, “That’s it; I’m putting my foot down.” Why were you holding your foot?

“Oh my goodness, put your foot down. We’re trying to eat here. Use a fork!”

Okay, so apparently putting your foot down is a way of holding your position and standing on solid ground that you wouldn’t be able to stand on if you were on one foot, doing whatever it is people do on one foot. Learning Torah?

2. There are a lot of illogical comparisons out there.

For example, people say, “It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack.”

Um, why are you sewing in a barn? Were you making clothing for your sheep? The best way to find this needle, by the way, is to sit on the haystack. The needle will find you.

3. Maybe what people say isn’t actually annoying; you’re just tired.

For example, take the expression, “Wake up and smell the coffee.”

Wait. Isn’t drinking the coffee what actually wakes you up? And if you drink it, what is there left to smell? Coffee breath? If you really want to wake up, I’d suggest smelling the milk.

“I’m not gonna smell it! You smell it!”

Or how about the expression, “Rise and shine”?

“Uch, I have to shine too? It’s not enough that I have to rise? Look, I can either rise or shine, but not both.”

The truth is, it’s very hard to shine without rising, unless you sleep very impressively. In general, though, I’m incapable of shining for a good few hours after I rise. Definitely not until I’ve smelled the coffee.

I guess people say it this way because it’s weird to just say, “Rise.”

“Hey! Rise!”

So they had to stick something else there. It sounds like you’re yelling at bread.

People say weird things at night, too. For example, they say, “Good night, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite.”

“Wait. You have bedbugs? Now I’m not going to sleep tight. What am I supposed to do? It’s dark, I have zero weapons… I shouldn’t let them bite? I don’t think they care if I let them!”

4. Sometimes people say things specifically to annoy you, but they annoy you on more than one level because the expression itself doesn’t make sense.

Think about how many things people say to drive you up a wall. Like “You’re driving me up a wall,” whatever that means.

It’s like, “I’m going up the wall anyway. Can I drive you?”

I guess the idea is that you’re climbing the wall to escape what’s annoying you. Example: “This communism is driving me up the wall.”

On the other hand, the word drive doesn’t just mean “to get into a car and go.” Drive can also mean chase. Every March, the Irish celebrate a holiday because of some guy who supposedly drove the snakes out of Ireland. Seriously. There are no snakes in Ireland, besides for zoos and probably escaped pets. But my point is that I don’t think it means that he filled his car up with snakes and drove them out, just driving along with thousands of snakes in his car, constantly pulling them out from under the brakes until he finally had a panic attack and jumped out of a moving vehicle. It means that he chased them out of Ireland, although I have no idea how you chase a snake either. I picture running toward the snakes and screaming, and then, as soon as the snakes turn around, running from the snakes and screaming. Though I don’t know how he would have gotten them into his car either. I wouldn’t touch a snake with a 10-foot pole.

Which is another expression that people say to be annoying: “I wouldn’t touch that with a 10-foot pole.” Who’s walking around with a 10-foot pole to touch things they don’t want to touch? You can’t really do much with it. Anyway, nowadays we have disposable gloves.

But I guess a 10-foot pole comes in handy when you see something under your porch that might be a sleeping animal, or it could be crumpled clothing, so your big plan is to poke it, and you don’t want it to spring up in case it’s not clothing, but you figure if you give it a 10-foot berth you can manage to run away before it gets to you, or else you can freak out and start swinging the pole wildly. Why else would you be carrying a tree?

Anyway, that’s it for today. You can keep sending in annoying expressions, so long as it’s clear that you’re annoyed by them too. But until then, good night, sleep tight and don’t let the bedbugs bite, chas v’shalom. Put your foot down! On the bugs, if possible.

By Mordechai Schmutter

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia, among other papers. He also has five books out and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].