There’s an expression I heard again recently that shook me up just a little inside. I’ve heard it countless times in my life—in snippets of conversation, on television shows or in books, in whispers between two individuals.
“She’s really let herself go.”
This was said to me a short while ago in a preemptive manner; someone was sharing her thoughts around what might happen when she reunites with old friends and family. She expressed that this idea—if not said aloud—would be thought by all those in the room. And it got me thinking.
What does this even mean?
Letting ourselves go. There is typically an implication that when this is said, the individual being spoken about looks in a particular manner that indicates a change in his body—most often weight gain. I will share more on this judgment and lack of respect for our fellow man below. At this time, though, I invite you to break down this expression with me.
The term “letting go” often is what comes to mind when we discuss grief; the idea that with time, we will be able to let go of particular feelings or pain, but that this will come with time and with healing, a process that may look different for each individual. A reminder to let go typically comes when we hold onto pain in a way that interferes with our function or impacts our feeling states “It’s time to let go.” But when we include that one word—“ourselves,” “himself,” “herself”—the meaning changes altogether. In the field of psychodynamic therapy, metaphors and dual meanings are processed and given attention. We give this expression a negative meaning, but what else might it suggest?
“He’s really let himself go.” These words imply that the individual has let go of himself, of his connection to himself. Or, it could mean that the individual has physically gone somewhere—but where? I highlight these alternative meanings, beyond the classic understanding of this phrase, to point out that when we mindlessly speak about others, we are doing just that—being mindless. We are not paying attention to the possible realities of the situation. We are ignoring that if someone was truly to “let himself go” then perhaps that person is suffering and wants to be found. Perhaps he feels lost and disconnected from himself and those around him, and speculation about what has happened in no way helps, but instead continues to alienate him.
Moreover, these types of murmurs also ignore the reality that by speaking in this way we transgress the prohibition of lashon hara, the commandment not to speak ill about others. Additionally, we are positing a negative judgment about the individual in question, based on weight. We are assuming that something “bad” has happened or that the individual isn’t taking care of herself, solely basing this on her appearance. Firstly, what business of this is ours to make judgments and assumptions based on appearance? It is true that in this day and age, so many snapshot judgments are made about how one presents herself. Yet, is this really a value and a behavior that we want to promote and perpetuate?
Secondly, the implication in this case is that someone at a higher weight has done something wrong. I have written numerous times about the grossly close-minded view that being in a bigger body implies something bad; that “fat” is a bad word. It does not and it is not. This viewpoint only causes judgment and leaves those in a bigger body feeling as if there is something wrong with them—that they are wrong. We do not know what leads to individuals’ bodies to change, but I would venture to say that, often, a change in body may actually be the individual landing at a set point where his/her body needs to be. And always, it is not our business. Weight fluctuations in either direction may or may not correlate to self-care—or lack thereof. For some individuals, weight gain actually means that they are taking care of themselves, feeding themselves appropriately and giving their bodies what they need because this was not happening before. Perhaps weight can indicate a deeper struggle related to depression, pain, etc. Or perhaps it means absolutely nothing, and your own judgment is guiding you to believe something that simply isn’t true. Oftentimes we do not know, and spreading rumors or making judgments does nothing but categorize or label an individual.
So the next time you hear those five little words—little words with such big meaning—take a moment to challenge them. Perhaps the next time you think them, pause and reflect on what judgments you’re making and who this is helping or hurting. We are more than a body and we must also reflect on which body types we marginalize. Don’t assume. Instead, connect. If you’re worried about someone who used to look a particular way and no longer does, reflect on what cues this individual is giving you. Perhaps it isn’t about the body at all but about body language—and messages you are receiving. In either case, connect in a supportive way. And above all, know when your (misguided) judgment is directing you and how to put that judgment aside so that you may have space to understand and support—if and when the situation calls for this.
By Temimah Zucker, LMSWBy Temimah Zucker, LMSW
Temimah Zucker, LMSW, is the assistant clinical director at Monte Nido Manhattan, a day treatment program in Manhattan for those struggling with an eating disorder. She also works in private practice in Manhattan and speaks nationally on the subjects of body image, eating disorders and mental health. Temimah recently moved back to her hometown of Teaneck! To learn more, visit www.temimah.com.
