Chanukah is great, because it gets us to think about health, usually about a week too late.

That said, welcome to “Ask the Health Experts,” where we ask a bunch of common health questions to a panel of experts, none of whom bothered to show up because we forgot to call them.

Q: If I could only eat one meal per day, which meal should it be?

A: Shalashudiss.

Q: No, I’m serious. Like if someone held a gun to my head and said, “You can only eat one meal…”

A: Why does this person care so much about what you eat that they’re willing to risk prison for this?

Q: Okay, my wife said it.

A: Then just ask her what she wants you to say.

Q: I thought you were supposed to go, “Breakfast is the most important meal,” or something.

A: If you thought you knew the answer, why did you ask?

Q: I thought that was what we were doing here.

A: Well, according to recent studies, breakfast may not be the most important. We’re lucky to be living in an age where they’re constantly making discoveries about health, most of which contradict each other.

Q: Yeah, but I thought that breakfast being the most important meal is the one thing that would never change.

A: Well, it was that way for years. Scientists have always agreed that breakfast is the most important meal—then lunch, and then supper. That’s why we eat them in that order. And that’s why we designed a breakfast food—cereal—that you can eat and drink at the same time in a rush while staring blankly at a box.

Q: Wait. Isn’t the first meal you eat in a given day called “breakfast” no matter when you eat it? Your body’s not going to say, “That’s not cereal!”

A: Scientists have been defining breakfast as “eating as close as possible to when you wake up.” Also, the Gemara talks about something called “pas Shacharis” (which as it turns out, means after Shacharis, not during Shacharis). And Rashi specifically mentions Fruity Pebbles.

Q: What if I’m not in the mood to eat that early?

A: Then you’d better not tell anyone. When you tell people that you didn’t eat breakfast, they get personally offended, and they give you a whole speech about how every time you don’t eat breakfast, a flood wipes out a village. They seem to think that eating breakfast is the solution to all of life’s problems: Can’t concentrate? Eat breakfast. Want to lose weight? Eat breakfast. Couldn’t sleep all night? Eat breakfast.

Q: How is adding a meal that I don’t already eat going to help me lose weight?

A: Breakfast is magical. We have all these studies about weight loss—calories, eating slowly, not eating if you’re not hungry—but when it comes to breakfast, all of that goes out the door. In a rush. And forgets its work bag on the table.

Q: How do the researchers know it’s important?

A: Research.

Q: Oh. So we should believe them, then.

A: Maybe not. According to recent studies at the University of Bath, in England, a lot of these studies did not have substantial scientific evidence.

Q: How do we know they’re insubstantial?

A: The researchers looked into all those studies, all of which reference previous studies, which reference previous studies, and it turns out that all of the original studies were funded by breakfast food companies. One such company was Kellogg’s, 90 percent of whose revenue comes from breakfast cereals. (The other 10 percent comes from lunch cereals.) Another company that funded the studies was Quaker, which is a division of Pepsi Co., and if you can’t believe them about health, who can you believe?

Q: And all of these studies came out pro-breakfast?

A: I know! I was just as surprised as you.

Q: Just because the studies were biased doesn’t mean they’re not true.

A: Yes, but they weren’t scientific. For example, technically, they didn’t find that not eating breakfast causes you to gain weight; they found that people who skip breakfast also gain weight.

Q: So what’s wrong with that?

A: Correlation does not equal cause. If it did, I have a theory too: Paying for your own food makes you gain weight. Think about it. Most bochurim can eat whatever they want and not gain weight, and food off someone else’s plate doesn’t have calories. But as soon as you get married and start buying your own food, you start putting on pounds.

Q: So then what do I do? What’s the most important meal?

A: There is no most important meal… Well, no. It’s Shalashudiss. But for different reasons. That’s why it’s called “Shalosh seudos,” even though you barely eat enough for one. It’s three meals, but with less weight gain. How much are you going to gain from a spoon of tuna fish eaten two hours after a huge lunch?

Q: You mean breakfast.

A: Okay, a huge breakfast. Featuring cholent. Point is, you can eat breakfast if you’re hungry, or you can go back to eating cereal at midnight, the way the Ribbono Shel Olam intended.

By Mordechai Schmutter

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He also has six books out and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].