In Parshat Vayechi, Yaakov blesses his sons before he passes away. Some of these brachot contain information that most would not include in a blessing. For example, Reuven is told he will not be a leader due to his impulsivity, and Shimon and Levi have their anger cursed. In what way is being told negative things about yourself a bracha?
Ahava was a regular kid with a regular life. She was happy…most of the time. She listened to her parents…most of the time. She did well in school…most of the time. And she behaved herself…most of the time. As with many children, Ahava got in trouble at school here and there. This was completely ordinary. However, the way her parents dealt with it wasn’t exactly ordinary.
In first grade, Ahava’s teacher called her parents to inform them Ahava was not paying enough attention in class. Ahava’s mother thanked her teacher for the call, and then asked an unexpected question. “Could you please send that information home in a note?” Ahava’s teacher agreed and sent a note home with Ahava. When Ahava returned home, her mother took the note and placed it in a shoebox.
At the start of third grade, Ahava sat next to her best friend in class. This made it very difficult for Ahava to keep quiet and focus on learning. Ahava’s teacher actually had to ask her to leave the room once for talking too much. Ahava told her parents about it when she got home. Her father picked up the phone, and called Ahava’s teacher. He asked her to send home a note about why Ahava was asked to leave class. Once again, Ahava’s teacher, although surprised, was happy to help. Ahava’s parents took the note and put it in the same shoebox.
In seventh grade, Ahava had trouble sitting in class for a period of time. She would pace around the back of the room, leave class for long breaks, and would hand in tests early because she didn’t have the patience to finish. This concerned a number of Ahava’s teachers, and the principal asked Ahava’s parents to come in for a meeting. After the meeting, the principal thanked Ahava’s parents for coming in and asked the social worker to email them the details of the plan to help Ahava. Of course, Ahava’s parents had one additional request. “Can you please send a second email? One with the reason we were called in?” Guess where those emails went.
Finally, during eleventh-grade parent-teacher conferences, a few of Ahava’s teachers reported that she had recently been arguing with them publicly. One teacher said that Ahava refused to sit down in class after a friend of hers was kicked out for talking. Ahava said that the teacher was picking on her friend, and Ahava only stopped arguing when she was threatened with the principal being called up to the classroom. Another teacher said that Ahava would not stop complaining that he did not give the class enough warning before the last test, and that she encouraged her friends to stage a walk-out of class in protest.
Ahava’s parents listened carefully, told the teachers they would speak with Ahava at home, and of course, asked the teachers to put this information in writing. Ahava’s teachers each emailed home a summary of Ahava’s defiance, and her parents printed the emails out and placed them in that same shoebox.
Years later, the day for Ahava to graduate college arrived. Ahava was all dressed up and ready to leave for the ceremony when her parents called her downstairs. Ahava came down and her parents handed her a wrapped box, clearly a graduation gift. Ahava unwrapped and opened the gift and saw it was a picture album. “Open it,” her father said. Ahava opened it up and was confused at what she saw; the first pages contained all the notes the teachers sent home about Ahava’s behavior! Slowly, Ahava turned to her parents. “So you saved all the negative things my teachers said about me growing up and put it in an album?” Her mother, expecting this reaction, responded calmly. “Keep turning, dear.”
As Ahava turned the pages, she saw a few items that made her smile. There were articles about and photos of some of the Ahava’s accomplishments from her senior year of high school and college. This, of course, began to warm Ahava’s heart, and she started to smile. But she was still confused. “So you are proud of how much I have grown up from being a troublemaker?” Her mother smiled. “Keep going.” So Ahava kept turning the pages.
The final section of the album combined the first two parts. On each page was a positive article and a few pictures. Additionally, in the top corner of each page was a sentence or two cut directly from the teachers’ notes with one word from each note highlighted. Finally, at the top of each page sat a one-word title. Next to the article about Ahava’s work to increase kindness at her college, the note about talking in class was attached with the word “chatty” highlighted. However, the title of the page said “Caring.” Along with the news story about Ahava organizing a protest to keep a local library open, came a note with the word “argumentative.” But the title of this page said “Passionate.” There were a number of pages with this same structure.
As Ahava kept turning pages, she realized the preciousness of this gift. Her parents were showing her that every negative personality trait she has can be used positively. Ahava had turned some of these middot around without even realizing. Knowing who she was and what was possible? To Ahava, this was the greatest gift of all.
Yair Daar is the Middle School Dean of Students at Yeshivat He’Atid. He can be reached at [email protected].
