I can’t believe I still don’t really understand why the sky is blue.

When I was a kid, this is something I really wanted to know. But then life happened, and I never really took the time to find out. And now some of my kids want to know why the sky is blue.

I could do what a lot of parents do; I can deflect the question: “I don’t know; you’re the one in school.”

“Didn’t you used to go to school?”

“It wasn’t like that when I was a kid.”

“It wasn’t blue?”

“No. Everything was black and white.”

“Okay, here’s another question. How come adults are allowed to lie, but kids can’t?”

“Why do you ask that?”

“No reason.”

And I can’t be the only parent like this. Wouldn’t it be much better if we knew the answers to all these questions and had something to tell the kids? Unfortunately, though, we don’t have time to look up all their possible questions ahead of time, because our priorities have shifted somewhat since we were their age.

But I finally did have to know why the sky is blue, for the purposes of this article, so I looked it up and now I’m prepared. In fact, here are some answers to a bunch of common questions that your kids might ask, to help protect your child’s comforting illusion about your expertise in science, history and random animal facts:

Why is the sky blue?

So it turns out that the sky isn’t actually blue, but it looks blue on clear days because of something called the Rayleigh scattering of light particles, combined with the relative lack of violet photon receptors in our retinae. Try explaining this to your kid in the back of the car.

“Okay, so you know what Rayleigh scattering is?”

“No.”

“Okay. Well, you know what happens when you shine a white light through a prism?”

“No.”

“Well, you know how white light is really made up of different colors?”

“No.”

“Why are you asking me a question when you have no educational basis for understanding the answer? Do you know why anything is the color that it is, or is it just the sky that you don’t understand?”

So really what you need here are not real answers, but answers that your children will understand. And that won’t trigger more questions. Like if they ask, “Why are plants green?” and you say, “Because of chlorophyll,” they’ll just come back with, “Why is chlorophyll green?” which is a harder question, and you haven’t actually thought that far.

So let’s start over.

Why is the sky blue?

Because if it was green, we wouldn’t know where to stop mowing the lawn.

Maybe the sky is blue because almost nothing else in nature is blue. Imagine if the sky was the color of birds. Birds would be invisible. Wouldn’t that be terrifying?

Also, water comes from the sky, and water is blue.

Wait. If water is clear, why are the oceans blue?

Same answer. We don’t want to drop our lawnmower in the ocean. Or have fish swimming up to us out of nowhere. Have you seen fish?

Why are plants green?

Blue water plus yellow sunlight. Next!

How much does the earth weigh?

This sounds like something you and your child can figure out together.

Well, how does one weigh the earth? It’s not like you can put it on a scale.

Yes, you can. Just put the scale down and turn it over.

I tried that, and according to my scale, the earth weighs five pounds. It took me a while to figure this out, because I couldn’t see the numbers.

Why is your tummy big?

Go to your room.

Why is the ocean salty?

That’s where all the herring lives.

How do they figure out the maximum weight limit on an elevator?

They just keep loading bigger and bigger people onto it until the “up” button doesn’t work. Then they ask everyone how much they weigh. Talk about awkward elevator small talk.

Why do cows sleep standing up?

Being a cow is very boring. They are literally falling asleep chewing, and then waking up and wondering what day it is.

Why is that guy fat?

I don’t know him; how should I know? Let’s ask him.

But it makes sense that your kids ask you questions you don’t know how to answer. Priorities change. You ask your kids plenty of questions that they don’t know how to answer, such as “Who didn’t put out the napkins?”

“Um… Nobody put out the napkins.”

How many times have I told you?

I don’t know any kid who keeps a little notebook and a pencil in his pocket, ready to check off how many times his mother told him.

What did I just say?

You said, “What did I just say?” I forgot everything before that.

When will you learn?

Okay, I’ll let you in on a secret: Your child does not know when he’s going to learn.

Yet we keep asking these questions. When will we learn?

To be fair, aside from answering questions from 3-year-olds, most adults never need to know why the sky is blue. But aside from answering questions from adults, most kids don’t need to know who didn’t set out the napkins.

“But you’re a father. You should know everything!”

Um… There wasn’t really a test. Well, there was, but Mommy didn’t ask this. Her questions were more like, “What are your hashkafos?” which I knew, and “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

“I see myself googling why the sky is blue at a red light.”

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He also has seven books out and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].