My wife and I dutifully tossed out our multiple pints of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. We then immediately realized we had a huge gap in our lives that needed to be filled with analogous alternatives to our favorite flavors.
We did what any rational couple would do: support every other kosher ice cream company in the world by sampling all their flavors and determining which of them were the best alternatives/substitutes/copycats/knockoffs to B & J’s flavors. After gaining 23 pounds apiece in just one week, we are proud to provide everyone with this necessary public service, and our handy chart. The list is ordered according to B & J’s own 2020 list of their top flavors. Twenty-one of their 52 varieties were tested, because migosh, enough already!
You’re cherry welcone!
Martin Bodek is the author of The Emoji Haggadah, The Festivus Haggadah, and The Coronavirus Haggadah, and is suddenly in desperate need of a crash diet.
| B & J’s Flavor | Closest Kosher Alternative |
| Half Baked | Belmont’s Brookie Dough |
| Cherry Garcia | Baskin Robbins’ Cherry Jubilee/Belmont’s Thank You Cherry Much |
| Chocolate Fudge Brownie | Belmont’s Make Fudge Not War/Häagen Dazs’ Chocolate Chocolate Chip |
| Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough | Häagen-Dazs’ Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough |
| Tonight Dough | Belmont’s For Real Dough |
| Phish Food | Belmont’s Turtley Awesome |
| Strawberry Cheesecake | Belmont’s Swirlin’ Strawberry |
| Americone Dream | Breyers’ Waffle Cone |
| Chunky Monkey | Belmont’s Banana Bonanza/Haagen Dazs’ Banana Peanut Butter Chip |
| Peanut Butter Cup | Belmont’s My Peanut Butter Half |
| P.B. Dough | Halo Top’s Peanut Butter Cup |
| Vanilla | Kirkland’s Vanilla |
| Pistachio Pistachio | Häagen-Dazs’ Pistachio |
| Caramel Core | Häagen-Dazs’ Caramel Cone |
| Salted Caramel Brownie | Häagen-Dazs’ Salted Caramel Brownie |
| Cinnamon Buns | Breyers’ Cinnabon |
| Coffee Coffee BuzzBuzzBuzz! | Edy’s Espresso Chip |
| Peanut Butter Cup | Breyers’ Rees’’s Peanut Butter Cups |
| Mint Chocolate Cookie | Häagen-Dazs’ Mint Chip/Breyers’ Mint Chocolate Chip |
| Gimme S’more! | Breyers’ S’mores |
| Milk & Cookies | Häagen-Dazs’ Cookies & Cream |
By Martin Bodek
