On the day I write this, my son Sam will have lived in the new Bayit-Ohel home for young adults with disabilities for just a few days.
Sam is extraordinarily adept in some ways, and limited in others. It has taken me all of his 24 years to understand what underlies and motivates his behavior, and what general and specific steps to take to best set him up for success.
Sam understands that he has left home and has expressed tremendous anxiety about what that means for him, now and in the future. He has asked thoughtful, cogent questions, such as “Why do I have to leave?” and “Will I have to be there next year and forever?” His ability to ask those questions, to repeatedly say, “But I am so nervous,” to try and make sense of the enormity of this move, shatters my heart over and over and over again.
Nevertheless, I am grateful. For the educators who recognized Sam’s capabilities and transitioned us all the way through his teenage years and early 20s. (I see you, Esther Klavan). For the professionals who have facilitated Sam’s ability to recognize and articulate his own anxieties and apply strategies to address them (in particular, Dr. Stephen Glicksman). For the Yachad staff (too many to name) who provide such vital programming for Sam and others in a multitude of different ways throughout the course of the entire year.
Most recently, I am grateful to the founders of The Bayit Association for their vision, leadership and spearheading of this vital community endeavor. I am grateful to Ohel for its seasoned professionalism and its commitment to partnering with The Bayit Association and with parents, in operating these group homes (and the Grayson house in particular). I am grateful to the Teaneck and surrounding communities, as well as our friends and family, for embracing this venture so wholeheartedly.
I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that no one will ever be able to love Sam the way I do. No one is waking him up in the mornings with hugs and kisses, or tucking him in every night with a whispered “Are you happy?” But I hope that the staff will be invested in learning from my experience. I hope that my prior successes and mistakes will enable them to hit the ground running. I am fortunate to feel that I know Sam—what makes him tick, what makes him anxious, what eases his mind. I believe that there is a successful path forward if everyone involved in this endeavor partners with me in also getting to know Sam, and in giving Sam what he needs—not generically as a “person with disabilities,” but as a unique, sensitive, thinking and deeply feeling human being. I, a dedicated pessimist for most of my life but now a realist and sometimes even a cautious optimist, am putting my faith in Ohel to take that path forward with me on behalf of my amazing, charismatic, beloved son.
Ilana Chill was a litigation associate at Cravath, Swaine & Moore for seven years and then a stay-at-home mom to Sam and his siblings for the next 21 years. For the first time in her adult life, she is trying to figure out what to do next.
