Now that the gift-giving season of Chanukah is a distant memory and we’ve also satisfied the birthday presents of all of our friends and relatives who had the good sense to be born in December, it’s time to definitely review and rank all of the traditional board games we felt compelled to buy this year. I’m talking about the non-electronic types that we used to spend hours playing, the “favorites” of Americans for generations. It’s past due time to briefly analyze these games to better understand why they remain perennials and see what lessons may be learned by our eager Jewish youth from playing them:

Go To The Head Of The Class

Parents’ favorite…kids, not so much. Prepares boys and girls for competitiveness in classroom and life, not to mention correlation with higher Trivial Pursuit and SAT and achievement scores later in life.

Candy Land

Positive prep for early dentist visits; negatives include probable early tooth decay and onset of type two diabetes; favorite game of Big Pharma; involves uncomplicated pleasures of life; teaches that little effort is required to achieve a spectacular sugar high. Requires limited counting skills and no reading skills. No strategy whatsoever is needed. Never too young to learn that in life the winner can often be predetermined by a mere shuffle of the cards.

Chutes and Ladders

Early exposure to the literal and figurative ups and downs of life; stresses how little careful planning has to do with success and achievement in life and how much luck is involved in outcomes. Invented in ancient India where it was called Snakes and Ladders and focused on virtues and vices to advance up or slip down the board of life.

Game of Life

Live your life from cradle to retirement home in a matter of hours instead of years. Play at parenting, working and paying the mortgage and taxes, not to mention insurance premiums and utility bills all from the comfort of your living room. Known to cause depression in child prodigies.

Monopoly

Capitalism 101; practice going in and out of jail for white collar infractions or landlord violations. “Pardon” card would be preferable to “get out of jail free” card since we all know there are no free lunches in the world of monopoly. Early reality check: teaches pre-teens there’s a real chance they’re not going to grow up to be tycoons, and reinforces Torah lesson that “by the sweat of their brows, they’ll eat their bread!”

Stratego

Why go to war and face bodily harm when you can stealthily bring your adversary to surrender his flag? Stresses short-term memory development so you remember where your opponent placed his important pieces.

Sorry!

What can you say about a game where the best part consists of drawing the desirable “Sorry!” card that allows you to send anyone you want back to the start as many times as you can. Only truly vengeful types will enjoy playing this game of chance.

Adverteasing

A relative newcomer to the board game field, the object of this game is to match products with their familiar advertising slogans or jingles. Will appeal only to non-cynical bar and bat mitzvah age or older. First exposure to ironies and other flaws of medical advertising: no other products list negative side effects and conditions caused by using the medication that the medicine was designed to cure in the first place!

Scrabble, Clue, Chinese Checkers and Chess

These games will only help increase your vocabulary skills, find lost objects, solve murders and plan ahead—worthy achievements, but in no way comparable to ruling the world or devouring your favorite ice cream. Favors those who can think ahead and anticipate their opponent’s moves.

Despite the popularity of the foregoing games, the really challenging board games involve mathematical reasoning and probability skills possessed by very few. That’s why they’re not particularly fun to play. Chances are that if you receive a Backgammon set, for instance, the person who gave you this gift never mastered the game himself, as it requires skills you probably don’t possess. Think about it: is it really fun to have to traverse a board with your pieces, moving to open spaces on the throw of a pair of dice. Only the mathematically inclined among us would take pleasure in such a pursuit. Backgammon was invented by the Greco-Romans and remained popular with medieval Europeans. This means it was probably unpopular among the ancient and medieval Jewish populations frequently persecuted by the aforementioned.

Whichever of the foregoing board games catches your fancy, the biggest problem you’ll face over time will be avoiding the loss of critical game pieces. In order of importance, try never to lose the spinner that determines how many spaces you advance on your turn. Dice, of course, can substitute for the spinner, but I’m pretty sure you’ll misplace one or both of the dice in fairly short order. Game pieces are important as well; in some cases lose a game piece and the game is over, but you can often fashion a substitute. Finally, the “money” required in several of the games discussed, if lost, can’t really be replaced, unless you’re willing to substitute the contents of your wallet. (I’m speaking to parents now!)

Assuming you avoid any of the mishaps mentioned in the previous paragraph, you should have hours and hours of fun playing with your friends and family. Good luck! But please check with your local rabbi as to the halachic implications of playing any or all of these games on Shabbos or Yom Tov.

By Joseph Rotenberg