Granted, it’s a somewhat random time in 2025 to be writing a “Year in Review” piece, but that’s not what this article is about. I just completed the longest year of my life … the 12-month mourning period for the loss of my father. It has been a long year. A very long year.
After the shloshim I took it upon myself to do Mishnayos. I wasn’t sure that it would last. Whenever I felt like giving up, I’d remember my immigrant father, who never went to Yeshiva, diligently doing his Daf every day. And it wasn’t just with Daf Yomi; it was with anything he did. And that’s what drove me to do this for him.
Another thing I did for him was recite the Kaddish, which I said more than 2,000 times over the past 11 months. But I’m not sure whether that was for him or for me. Because without fail, every time that I said the words “Amein, Yehei Shmei Rabbah…,” I would close my eyes for a second or two, and images would appear. It was always the same three or four pictures or memories that would flash before me – repeatedly for 11 months. The photos were from the last year of his life. And for a second or two, I got to see him and be with him.
That was the part of davening I cherished most.
There was a part that I didn’t. Like wondering: what happened to all those tefillos we said for my father? All the Tehillim? All the heartfelt prayers? A few weeks ago, my sister sent me a shiur by Rabbi Joey Haber on Teffilah. He talks about how the Gemorah says that no tefillah goes unanswered. But we obviously know that it’s not true. Unfortunately – People get sick. People suffer. People die.
When I said my last Kaddish, as I did every davening, I closed my eyes for Yihei Shmei Rabba. Only this time, I didn’t see the usual pictures as I did before. It was a different picture. An image that I never saw before. It was with a backdrop that I had never seen before. It was a new image of my father holding his two hands over my head and giving me a bracha.
And that’s when I remembered the punchline of Rabbi Haber’s shiur: Tefillah doesn’t necessarily change the outcome. It is meant to change the person.
And perhaps that is what this year did. It taught me that grief doesn’t disappear. It transforms. And that death doesn’t end a life – it amplifies it. It puts every memory into sharper focus. So while the outcome didn’t change, I wish to somehow believe that I did!
I believe my father was handing me something. A blessing. A mandate. A message: You can move forward now – not by forgetting, but by becoming. And that’s what I wanted and needed. I didn’t want my father’s legacy to stay frozen in stories or regret.
I want his legacy to live. I want it to shape the way I parent. The way I daven. The way I show up in this world. Because everything he was – his integrity, his honesty, his humility, his humor, his strength … these aren’t just things that I want to remember … They are things I want to become. I want my children to know that they come from a greatness – quiet, simple, and sincere greatness. That their Zaidy didn’t just leave behind a good name – he left behind a path. A way to live. A way to believe. A way to behave.
Grief doesn’t operate on a calendar. The milestones … the Shiva, the Shloshim, the Unveiling, the Yahrzeit – they don’t signal closure. They symbolize a journey. One that’s often personal, quiet, and lonely – but one that, if we let it, can be transformative. I embrace the beginning of a new life path of carrying him forward. Of becoming the son he raised me to be and of passing that blessing onto the next generation. Yehi zichro baruch.
Would you rather relive one perfect day from your past or get a glimpse of one day from your future? I’d love to hear your answer! Please let me know if you have a good “Would you rather” question, and we will highlight your submission.
Shmuel Shayowitz (NMLS#19871) is a highly regarded Real Estate & Finance Executive, Writer, Speaker, Coach, and Advisor. He is President and Chief Lending Officer of Approved Funding, a privately held national mortgage banker and direct lender that has facilitated over $3 billion in mortgage funding. Shmuel has over twenty years of industry experience, holding numerous licenses and accreditations, including certified mortgage underwriter, licensed real estate agent, residential review appraiser, and accredited investor, to name a few. Shmuel has successfully navigated through many changing markets and business landscapes, making his market insights and experience well-coveted within the real estate industry. He can be reached via email at Shmuel@approvedfunding.com.
