Welcome back to “How Should I Know?”—the column where I get to answer increasingly stranger questions because I never really set any guidelines as to what I’m looking for exactly.

Dear Mordechai,

My local government official is throwing a huge party this week. Should I go? I think I was supposed to have RSVPed by now.

Dressed Up

Dear Dressed,

Why are you asking me this? What am I, your mother?

Ok, I guess if I’m your mother, I should ask you all the responsible mother questions: Who else is going to be there? What time will it be over? Will the government official’s parents be there? Can I speak to them? Do you have to bring a present? Do I have to drive you to this thing? Do you have school and/or work tomorrow? Will anyone there be drinking?

You know, I don’t think I want you going to this party.

Dear Mordechai,

I recently had my wife killed, and now I’m regretting my decision. But on the other hand, she was a real piece of work. Should I just have a drink and forget about it?

K.A.

Dear K.,

Who are you and how did you get my email address?

Okay, I said, “any question,” so here goes:

The first thing you should ask yourself here is did alcohol get you into this mess in the first place? Because you don’t just want a repeat of whatever happened yesterday.

A lot of people like drinking alcohol because they say it helps them forget about their problems. Alcohol helps you forget even the simplest of things, like which of your friends is Haman and which is Mordechai.

On the other hand, it doesn’t really solve your problems. After you come back down, your problem is still there, unless that problem was your wife, obviously.

On the other hand, I recently read a line that said, “Alcohol might not solve your problems, but neither does milk.” (Though milk does taste better on cereal.) I actually read that line to my wife, and she said, “Milk does too solve problems!”

And I said, “Really?” I don’t think that if you lose your job and have a glass of milk, you’ll suddenly get your job back. “What kind of problems does milk solve?”

So she said, “Calcium deficiency, vitamin D deficiency…”

So I said, “By that logic, alcohol solves problems too.”

And she asked, “Like what?”

And I said, “Oh no! What will we use for Kiddush?”

And she said, “Challah!”

So I said, “Oh no! What will we use for Havdalah?”

And she said, “Milk!”

My point is that if you ever get another wife, you should probably keep her around.

Dear Mordechai,

When would be a good time to tell my husband that I’m Jewish?

E.H.

Dear E.,

What?!

Um… Tell him at your Pesach Seder.

What’s happening here?

And why am I the extreme marriage advice guy all of a sudden?

Wait a minute. Is everybody sure they’re sending their questions to the right Mordechai? I feel like at least some of you are drunk.

Dear Mordechai,

What should be done to the man whom the king wants to honor? I’m asking for a friend.

H.H.

Dear H.,

Ok, could everyone please stop sending me letters that are meant for the other Mordechai! I’m not Mordechai Hatzaddik! I’m Mordechai Ha… I don’t know. You got the wrong guy.

I wonder what kind of letters he got this week.

Got a question for “How Should I Know?” Sit down, have a glass of milk, and make sure you got the email address right.

By Mordechai Schmutter

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He also has six books out and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].